Labor Day

Kind of the IF ironic day, don't ya think!

I ate so much yesterday - damn I was on a roll. chocolate ... mmmmnn. So today is exercise and fiber foods day :-)

I think I am still shedding which is weird and totally great. I am normally very regular. I start on a day and at a time that I mark on a calender. This time I seem to be just rolling along. I am taking that as a good sign. The longer I roll along the more I shed, I guess. Bet this Lup.ron related. Oh yeah. As are the headaches, the short temper, the tiredness and the bone aches.

At least I'm not at work!

Sunny Sunday - update

Lining is still too thick. 6.9. I go in on Tuesday morning for another u/s and if the lining doesn't go under 5 then there is a discussion about this "not being my month".

Not being my month?? I have no idea what that means financially. I have a vague idea what that means emotionally. I do know that it totally fucks up my work schedule.

Can't believe this is happening.

--------------------------------

Good Morning one and all. It's early and sunny and I just had a large coffee from the Belgian bakery. YUM.

So, back to Cornell this am. Dr Z (he did one of my retrievals, hi again DR Z) was surprised I was worried. This would be funny if it wasn't so totally and utterly unfunny. No problem with a thick lining, he told me, the problem is the timing. My donor hasn't started stimming yet. I am at 6.8 or something like that, with an E2 of 34. Low estrogen, thick lining. They are worried that if I estrogen pump my lining will be over the productive phase by the time they implant.

At last, some information that I can use. He is confident I will be going through to transfer, which means sweet FA as far as I am concerned. I shall ask the body on the end of the phone today for the same reassurances. Then I shall leave my request with Dr C for a detailed report on my case.

Question oh internetee wise ones... what effect do the estrogen patches have? I know they raise your e2 levels. But I am wondering if they chemically contradict the effects of Evil Lupr.on? Will I feel less irritable and tired?

How do I feel? Tired. Lower levels of anxiety. I am extremely pleased that the office is closed tomorrow so I can sleep in and then work out. I need to walk and swim, just to feel relaxed. I wonder if my swimming costume fits? I am also getting a sports massage tomorrow since my neck is killing me and my back muscles are so tight.

I am homesick today. I would like to see my crazy family. My Pa.ddington Bear dad in his 200 yr old trousers. My fussy mum with her herbal remedies. My hilarious nephew. My blustery sibling. I would like to see the deep green, rolling hills that I grew up in. I would love to smell the dirt of the country lane. I would love to have some Shepard's Pie, my mum's lasagna (the best in the world) and some English jam cake. And a real cup of tea with English milk. Ah man. The milk here (and please forgive me) sucks. It has sugar and is boiled or something. My ma gets her milk from the farm - fresh from the cow. Oh I am homesick indeed.

Lining update /weigh in

C.ornell phoned yesterday and told me to come back on Sunday for b/w and U/S as my .... lining is still too thick. Hey, yesterday's doctor that keeps telling me all is well and to expect a call instructing me to starts patches... you fu**ing SUCK

I asked the nurse if the thick lining is a problem and this was the exchange

"are you still bleeding?"

"yes"

"then no. I'd be more concerned if you had finished bleeding"

"on Sunday I will have stopped bleeding. What if its still 7-8 ?"

"we might just start you on the patches since your estrogen is so low"

"so low? Is that also a problem?"

"..."

"hello?"

"so, we'll see you on sunday. "

I guess I may find out more next week since I am going to call Dr C directly. Enough monkeys already, lets get the barrel guy. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried. Anyone had a DE cycle cancelled due to a thick lining? Or messed up estrogen?

I have to be careful here - thankfully, BWUB will kick my arse if I slip into moaning and groaning mode :-)

BTW K and BWUB: So far my San Fran trip is set for Wednesday - I fly from NY in the am, meetings and diner then back to the airport for the red-eye back. All in coach. fun.

Weigh in week 19

I lost 3.4 pounds. For those paying attention I have gained and lost 3.4 pounds exactly for 3 weeks now. Overall I still lost 30 pounds. I rock. So I have set a goal of losing 4 pounds in 7 weeks. I know I am not supposed to be actively dieting but since I eat organic, full fat food I can't see how this would be bad for me or the proposed embie.

And it is 'Lose for Good' for the next 7 weeks. For every pound I lose WW will donate 1 pound of food. cool huh.

In a world where I control nothing and am at the whim of random yoo hoo invading doctors I get to control my healthy intake. I shall also take advantage of the West Win/g on Bravo and walk on the treadmill for a couple of hours in the am. Helps me with the l.upron RAGE

I'm off the the beach now. Coney Island mmmn dirty water and crappy beach but hey! its a train ride away and there is fresh air.

Day On

Back at my modular desk. Frikkin hate modular furniture. In my last office I had a desk that was used by Bobby Kennedy. I was given it by an old politico and it made me tear up when he gave me it and sob when I had to leave it to move into HQ.

Back to Cor.nell this am. Same doc as before (everything looks fine, 5 follies on each side. Ay ay ay) so I read my paper and ignored him. He had Igor the med student with him who said 'hi' to me. I motioned him to stand at my shoulder. I'm paying $20K on top of all the moneys I have given Cor.nell. Learn on someone else buddy. Of course, I wouldn't have had any objections if the doctor had ASKED ME permission for the student to be in the room, as is the patient bill of right states. But hey.

Lining is 7.3 I think. or 7.8. I asked whether a thick lining is a problem for DE transfer 'Oh no' he says. Yeah, OK, why bother even asking. One day I want to sit in the exam room and wait for the Doctor to walk in. Hi, I shall say. I think since you guys have spent an entire year up my yoo hoo with nada to show for it, it's my turn. Drop your trousers. Oh and this is my admin assistant - she needs to learn, now bend over.

WHEN I get preggers from this procedure (thanks for kick up the arse BWUB) I will be totally grateful to get the belly u/s stage. I tell you, there is nothing more effective as a natural birth control as having a wand repeatedly up your yoo hoo at 7 am in the morning for a year. That and injecting the pee of post-menopausal women into your belly. Fun of the game.

Yes, one year. ONE YEAR I have been under their care. So that means two years of treatment. Two pregnancy's no live births. YET. This is the time. This is my time. This is the one. or Two.

;-)

I'll update when Corn.ell calls.

day off

i love 'em and I'm having one today. So far I have had a gently work out at the gym for a couple of hours, had a leisurely shower, ate an apple and just finished a pro biotic yogurt. Feeling all zen in a hellish l.upron way.

I got news yesterday that i might have to go to san fran next week. Fitting in tests is going to be interesting. I may have to do the red eye back. Fly Monday am, do the meeting and fly back on the red eye. Nice.

I have looking into embryo adoption. It seems like such a good idea. It's way cheaper than adoption, way quicker than adoption and has the added advantage of being biologically connected to the baby. It gives me hope. I guess that's the real thing. It gives me hope.

I also went onto shady grove's website. 20K money back guarantee. WTF! That is amazing. Wish C.ornell did that. The nearest clinic is in Washington DC - no way I could make that work. Nice deal tho. Very nice.

Where am I at today? I have a duality going on. I am at once excited and gloomy. Very odd. I guess after so many years of failure I am having a hard time believing I will get and stay pregnant. Natural, logical and kinda getting in my way of having a good time.

Oh c'mon EB. Pick your damn socks up. Each time IS different and each time is special. Stop being so greedy. You get the chance to do this which is more than many people.

And no, you can't have a dog.

Self medication - update

Lining is still too thick (6.2) so we are pushing the whole cycle by a week. Beginning of October is now the transfer date.

Bugger.

Was reassured this is not a problem.

Not reassured.

The blues got so bad that I doubled my SSRI last few nights and I feel much better. I spoke to my pharmcologist about it she said I was such a low dose that doubling it would bring me into the normal treatment range. What a total relief it is to rise out of it. I even slept better last night. I also think DH spending time with me helped. He gave me a leg rub which helped my body relax. He has amazingly relaxing hands.

So U/S check: 6.2 which is fine, or so Doctor said. One strip. "No cycsts or abnormalitites at all." He stuck the wand up my hoo hoo so quickly that I actually jumped. Hey fella - it's not a hot dog bun.

I also paid for the cycle. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT! Ok deep breath. It's fine. that is why I work in this job and take all the shit. Ok, I don't take it but ought to take it. And ...... breath out... relax. When I get to hold my little one, all clean after a bath and in a fresh romper suit it will all be worth it. I looked up what someone with my BMI should gain during pregnancy - 11 to 20 pounds. I know what everyone is going to say - too little. But, the guidelines are written for those of you with a BMI of >30. For us fatties, we are have to a)not diet and b) not gain too much. Bit of a balancing act for sure but since it is something I have to concentrate on and work through I feel somehow more relaxed. It will be something to take my mind off all the pregnancy worries which I see my fellow bloggies going through. I know this is somewhat premature (no pun intended). But I want to enjoy this whole process as much as possible, even this bit, even the unknown. I want to live in possible rather than living in a well of ambiguity. I want to wag more and bark less. And since I have self medicated myself into a serotonin high it is an easy thing to do!

Joke:Two sperm were swimming through a woman's body.

The first said, "Whew. I'm getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?"
"The uterus?" the second laughed. "We're not even past the esophagus yet!"

found on Infertility Humor

ahhh September

As I walked to work today in my new birthday cardigan a cool wind blow and my spirits lifted way up. I love the smell of autumn, the feel of autumn and above all the food of autumn.

Cornel.l called yesterday and the coordinator (different one) told me they were concerned with my thick lining. "Are you still bleeding" she asked. WTF? Look at the chart idiot. "Yes, CD 2 or 3" I go back in tomorrow for another u/s. I looked on line and my lining does not look thick to me at all. And the doctor said everything was fine. So, er. Confused. I'm too pissed off to worry right now.

By the end of the day yesterday I was in a major funk. I think its the Lupro.n but who knows. I know it gives me a bad back and headaches. After a few weeks of pain free it is so weird to be in pain again. How did I manage this for so long? I am going to start gently working out again. Stretching and walking can't be a bad thing. It will help my mood too. Although, all I want to do is curl up and sleep. I want my DH to cuddle me and stroke my hair. He has done his disappearing thing again. Last night we spent 30 mins together and then he went into another room and I finally went to bed. Guess the hormones are tough on everyone, not just the one taking them.

Choir starts in two weeks yippee! We are singing some weird shit but I promised my teacher to audition for a solo part if there was one. I am now hoping with all my will that there is no solo part for my voice!!

Who has good news? Or something to make us all smile? How about a joke??