Momma plans a party

Remember the play I directed? The cast and crew all came together wonderfully and we found we actually liked each other.  So I invited those folks over for New Years Day.  I called it a 'Gently Does It' afternoon and went with a 1980's theme. Finger foods abound. I wonder if I can get any Bucks Fizz. Anyone remember that? We shall play Taboo, which is the best game ever, and eat funny food.

We haven't held a gathering since the kids were born (other than kids stuff).  I'm a bit nervous,  the truth be told,  but my New Years Resolution is to socialise more. Also to run 4 x 5K's. Have to get my knee sorted first but by the time my kids are 3 I will have completed 20K. Wonder if I can get my time down?

This year is all about my family and freedom. Making sure we all get out and do things (swimming and hiking is on my list) and getting a new job or going back to being self employed.


What about you guys? What would your dreams for 2013 be?

Best Chanaku-mas ever.

We all had such a lovely day. Seriously great fun. Got up and destroyed the wrapping paper. Did anyone care what was inside - nah! Kids got tons of toys and clothing of course, each narrowing in on a particular toy that is 'MINE'

We even cooked a traditional British lunch: Roast Turkey, potato, beans, stuffing and gravy. (we had brussel sprouts but I forget to cook them).

The kids ate at the big table and were great. Mimi is a turkey fan for sure. Not so much Pip. He doesn't really like any meats. But boy can he put beans away. Especially if they are dipped in cranberry sauce.

We then watched a Christmas movie while the turkey did it thing and after that ... zzzzzzzzzzz!

It was a glorious day for many reasons - not least because I was very aware that this is our family starting its own history. We enjoy this time of year coz we get to hang out and play dancing dinosaurs, reading in a huddle ( a favourite game: reading in a big pile on the floor).

Pip got a remote control car and he is an expert at it. So every year I can see him getting something to experiment with. Mimi got make believe which she loves and little ballet slippers which although too small she adores. The best pressie for her tho was the laptop. She thinks it rocks thank you very much.

Right now its Boxing day and the kids just had cold turkey salad. Soon they will slip in to nap time ('bed please mum') and I shall join them.


Best Channa-mas ever.

Hope you and yours had all the love and togetherness they could possible desire. 

Why good will always win over bad.

I am still shaken from my latest round with crazy boss.  I have diagnosed her as having  Narcissist Personality Disorder. After reading a ton of books/articles and speaking with my shrink it all falls into place. Short version: no empathy, self obsessed, will go to very long lengths to destroy whomever they please. 

Amazing how effective she is at destroying me. Why am I giving her this power? I feel like a total loser and disgusted with myself. Yep, she is getting what she wants. 

Except. 

I have started a log of every shitty thing she has done since I arrived. It makes quite the reading.  

And it gives me perspective. I wrote when, where and what happened. 

Always in private. 

Always full of threats

Always personal in nature. 

In complete relief to that our non biological Grandparents came a calling today with about 10 bags of gifts for the kids. They are insanely kind to us. I love them so much. They were appalled at how tired I looked. Moppi (grandma) knew something was up. It was nice to be able to spill the details and have unconditional support. 

So, we played and ate (bagels of course) and laughed a whole lot. Just lovely. The kids went down no problem and I have a few hours to myself. BLISS!!

My non bio family mean the world to me and mine. It's so wonderful to experience love in the midst of feeling like crap. I do wonder at how much we have, how lucky we are. Thankful doesn't even begin to cover it. 

And even my brother managed to send an actual gift this year. A real one. WOW!!!

Freaky Friday

All week I have been inching closer to the end. The day I could leave work for a whole week and not have to hear my that special someone who drives me nutso screaming and screeching like a demented parrot.

No such luck. Psycho boss is going away for the break.  Their last act before going? Loudly and violently humiliate me and demand my team work next week. 

And you know what?  I was devastated. This is my time of year - my personal spiritual time and I love it.  I felt humiliated and broken when I left work. 

Now, after a calming drink and a cuddle with super husband I have found balance. OK I have to work and that sucks. 

But

The kids are young enough not to care two hoots. 

This is a good time to learn this lesson without too much impact on family

My days will be short and quiet. I shall drink tea and read a book on my ipad. 

My kids can come play one day. 

I shall meet people for long lunches. 

I shall read books on how to handle a psycho boss. 

I will be ready for the new year without having to scramble. 

I can work on my resume  :)

I hope we all get a peaceful and rewarding 2013. I hope that we learn  how we treat one another matters more than almost anything else in life. I hope that those with power learn to earn it and those under that power learn to question it. I pray that empathy becomes a viral epidemic and we are all touched by it. 

Happy Holidays one and all. 

Guest Blog - Mimi 2.5years.

So, she's fallen asleep on the sofa again so I thought since my annoying brother got to tap away on this thing that fair is far and I have a go also.

I don't know about you but I am so confused.

We have a tree in our house. A tree. Like an outside 'what can you see' tree but it is inside our house with some some odd and dare I say dangerous things hanging on it. Pip broke lots of the non bouncy balls last week (and served hard time in our room,  I might add). Why do we have a tree in our house? We can't wear our outside shoes in the apartment but we can have a frikkin' tree?

And what is with all the really bad music? She is usually humming or singing or listening to decent enough stuff. A little slow for my liking and not enough Beiber but she is like, 100 yrs old so you know.  Well, lately its been this dreadful stuff. They are all about snow as far as I can understand or kissing daddy. Yuuuuck.

And what is the obsession with the old fella in the cheap suit?????  We have got to go to another party tomorrow where we all pretend to be surprised that some homeless guy in a red outfit and a humiliating hat. Don't talk to strangers ... unless they are dressed like a fool and in that case get thrown on his lap like you know him and smile for camera.  C'mon people - have some common sense.

This one better bring a decent gift or I'll pee on his leg.

Oh and tell her if she doesn't want us to pic up, rip, eat and other wise mess with her precious  'Chritmas cards' don't put them out where we can reach them. OK.

Oh, I'm going to bed. Drank too much milk and I always get punchy when I've over done it.

Tis the season...

for my friend to get married.

She just had a lovely winter wedding and I got to sing at her wedding so I was chuffed.

As I stood there I imagined what my kids weddings will be like. In a church? A synagogue? A cool loft or a barn? A boat? !

Who would they chose to spend their lives with?  Male or female? Older or younger. As long as they are in love I don't really care.

I hope we last. I hope it happens whilst we are around to tell them how much we love them and how proud we are of them and welcome their partner into our family.

Until then I shall keep on teaching the only lessons that I think count. Love. Empathy. Listening. Heart.

My friend is a peace negotiator (really!) and as I watched her thank everyone and make sure we were all having a good time I thought about people in my life in one way or another who are successful but mean. They are all making good money but their home lives are dreadful.

Lesson learnt. Love. Empathy. Listening. Heart.

Hope you are all well.

Christmas balls...

... that's what the kids call the tree ornaments. seriously - my kids are just plain funny. 

We did have glorious glass ones till ... yup .... Pip went on an ornament serial killer spree. 

Mimi pats the tree like its a cat. 

I get most of Christmas week with the kids and I am PSYCHED! We shall walk, play and sleep and I will have them all to myself. BIG SMILE

Mimi is counting to 15 now unaided which makes her a genius clearly. Pip has decided he can't read anymore. OK then. 

We are deep in the MINE days. With twins I am sure I should have read up about the most balanced psychological approach. I let them fight it out. They are getting very few presents by design. I do not want this time of year to be about how much they got.  Who am I kidding!!

What was your favourite present when you were a kid? Mine was this sculpture thing that I had to chip away at with a hammer and chisel. I loved it. 

Oh and the year I got pregnant with my lovely little ones :-)

Guest blogger - Pip (2.5)

Hi
My mum was typing something so according to annoying kid rule 2385 I had to try and jump up and down on the keyboard screaming loudly. This whole toddler agreement thing - exhausting I can tell you. Think our union rep should take a look at the fine print IMHO.

Anyway, she went for a shower and left us 'with Dora'. I am honestly shocked at how stupid that women is. Dora, my dear ma, is not real. She's on the tv. You know, the big box thing in the corner that you fall asleep in front of most night.

Anyway, I thought I would  help her out and guest blog.

I just want to approach the contentious topic of presents. Not sure if you know this but I am the better half of a twin ship. I have a sister. She's nice enough. Bit loud and bossy to be honest but that's not today's post. I know according to the handbook around this time of year we are to expect performance bonuses called 'presents'.  Can I tell you something. The other incentive (birthday - read your handbook people!) was totally rubbish this year. Did they get us anything??? I cannot remember. Yeah. Seriously.

So this year. What do I do? I know the sister has her hopes on various pink things including a new pink round skirt to twirl in, new shoes, bunch of dora things and her own plane. whatever sis. She is so not getting a new pink twirly skirt. No way. Blue maybe but I heard the big ones saying 'enough of the pink already'.

I want noise makers. Not picky what to be honest. Just as long as it makes lots of noise and maybe rolls in some way. Oh and if the word education is on anything I WILL lodge a complaint.

Should I write an email? That is not exactly kosher, know what I mean. I'm supposed to be illiterate right now. I could draw a picture but the big ones take so long to work anything out we would back at August again before they got it.

Really, I think I should get a specialist in for these guys. According to the handbook they should be in the over proud and ridiculous present buying stage. They should be able to anticipate where I hide the bottles (milk, people, milk) and they are supposed to be able to understand 130 of my words.

HA!

Anyway, I should go. Big one has turned off the shower.

Wish me luck people. 

Must be the holiday season

This weekend was the Holiday concert for the choir I sing in. It was really great fun. The whole cast of the play turned upon the Friday night and then we went out for a bite to eat afterwards.  Sat was great coz I hung out a little afterwards but basically I grabbed a very chocolately hot chocolate and headed home. Lovely.

The kids loved seeing me all dressed up. Clearly I need to make more effort!!

This morning Mimi wanted to wear a dance dress -  which is what she calls met formal wear. We danced all day on and off. I am exhausted

So here were are.  Holiday season with two year olds.   How did you introduce your little ones to the Holiday ?  I love the good cheer and cold dark nights where you snuggle up listening to wonderful music.  Ok that last bit is my imagination. Would be nice tho.

Any ideas or anecdotes would be really helpful.

Hope your family and loved ones are enjoying the season.

How was yours?

Thanksgiving? We failed.

We and by we I mean I forgot to buy the food.

The restaurant we booked in a rush was great - except it didn't serve Thanksgiving food, or Turkey at all!!

So, I had half a burger. Kids didn't really eat - they were too busy driving their dad nuts by trying to eat his meal.


Next year. 

School eviction!

Missed the Thanksgiving Parade even tho its three blocks over. Laughable really. Long story short - I was asleep and DH was on the couch. 

"nuff said. 

We did indeed get kicked out of playgroup. The leader sat there and told me that she had given Pip special one on one time and taught him a forward roll. Seriously. And then she said if I spent more time with the kids in class they might sit through story time. 

I then told her that the kids can read so sitting through story time is boring for them, that's why they don't sit down and if she spent more time on the kids and less time collecting money she might have noticed that my kids could read and had started basic writing skills. 

Oh it was wonderful. She even challenged me and in walked Pip reading from a book~!

Laughable. 

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I am so thankful for every one of you. 

PLans are afoot - school and beyond

Here's what we decided to do.

I will place an add on the city university sites for post graduate students in early development. I shall see if they want to work with my guys (and their friends) three sessions a week.  They need to have a full terms lesson plan and I will ask for nanny's or mummies to be present till we are all cool with the situation.

So there you go. Structured play/learning time and it will cost me much less than $80K.

Feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders.

Now I have to start planning next summers jaunt to the UK. It's my dad's 80s this month but instead of celebrating now we are pushing it off to the summer and hiring a bunch of cottages near a seaside town called Scarborough.
A trip the moon would take less planning. The flights ($6-7K!!) are the big expense but we started saving as soon as I got the full time job.  We will be shipping clothes and what not for the kids ahead of time since it take two flights to get to my folks and I am not waiting for bags.
No idea what to do about car seats since who knows how tall Mimi will be by then!!!

New school idea. Holiday planning. Think I need a project book!!!

Wait, isn't there a national holiday coming up. Argh, where do I get a turkey!!!

Pre school opt out

Thinking about it. Opting out of the whole thing. We have a preschool of sorts. Its supposed to be a fully involved parent type thing. I have been to 1 class. As far as I can see the kids play for most of the time. Then they sit in chairs, sing a song and listen to a book. Then they do art and off we go.

The crazy ass teacher is thinking of chucking us out.

Which made me wonder.

Do I really have to have the kids in a preschool (cost in NY $15 - 40K each). (Yes, each). Can't I 'make' them a preschool with classes and if I write a stage appropriate curriculum they would learn the right things in time for school.

I just don't know why kids at 2 or 3 or even 4 need to be in 'school' at all.

Am I crazy?

I can easily get a student to teach my kids and maybe a whole bunch of others in our apartment.

Just to put this in perspective, my friend has a spreadsheet of preschools, psych testers approved by the afore mentioned preschools and what not. We want to put the kids in public school. But she says the same thing. I don't have an excel sheet!!!!

What do you think?

Home sweet holy crap its good to be home.

Our nomad days are done. Last Friday we came home to a warm home. Our warm home. Kids are still a bit wonky, sleeping lots and then totally hyper. Both kids seem to have enjoyed the little excitement but I am sure they could feel the stress we were trying hard to hide.

DH and I are trying really hard not to feel blue. Both of us! I know. What a fun couple we must be. I am making every effort to bull doze through as usual. Going to job from hell. Booking baby sitter for weekend (007 anyone).  Enjoy the kids.

The kids seem to be caring for us in their own toddler way. Lots of cuddles and hugs and kisses. OH MAN I LOVE MY KIDS.  Pip is suddenly mister social - doesnt want to leave any class or playground. Mimi wants her bed but waists quietly and patiently for MR PIP to come along already.


Here's what I am worried about. How will my depressions effect the kids in the long run? Do you ever feel that whatever you decide to do or not do you are screwed????

Friends don't let friends post when depressed. Sorry guys. 

Sandy'd and Snow

We are still not home.

We had to leave coz as soon as I posted my smug little post last time everything went off - lights, heat and water.

Off we trekked to the last hotel in NYC. A dump of magnitudes unknown. Bugs, mold BUT heat and hot water. I was still working full time and running the theatre show which closed on Sunday (as planned).

On Friday I got food poisoning.

Yup. Life has sucked.

We moved into less sucky hotel on Sunday - YIPEEEEEEEEEE

Now we have freakin' snow storm. I can hardly see outside my office window. BOOOOOO


Kids are fine. Luckily we got nice cribs/cots and their beloved nanny can come look after them again.

I am trying to stay positive but with my home life so disrupted the crazy ass mess is getting to me.

Lets hope we get to go home this weekend and put this all behind us.

So far so Sandy

I have been off work for three days with pneumonia (i thought i felt ill but i didn;t realize I was actually sick).  Sandy has closed the office for another day or two.

YIPEEEEEE

OKOKOK I know, this is a serious storm for everyone in its path but let me have my moment. I get to stay away from Psycho boss for another day or two. When I emailed her that I had pneumonia she asked for a report asap. Whatever. Fire me byatch!!! I don't freakin' care anymore.

So, Sandy means...

• We played dress up dragon this morning - awesome
• We went for a quick walk while the rain was mild - kids were awesome
• We just ordered sushi - bless NYC!!!

Being a mum to toddler twins is never ending drama. It's great, don't get me wrong, wouldn't trade it for the world. Yet, I would trade some of this floor beating, screaming and MINE!!!!

And that is Pip!!!!!

However, hearing my boy count or sing erases it all. Mimi can actually read and enjoys reading to daddy. She is a daddy's girl. It is lovely to watch.

But right now, kids are asleep and we can catch up on our shows. Yahoooooooo!

Phew!

Work still totally sucks but I am just rolling with the punches till I can get out of there.

The play I directed is going well.

Kids are Super!!!  Man, they are so much fun and I love being around them. Pip loves to dance and bop. Mimi is a reader, loves to draw and is such a great cuddle. When should I worry about the lack of poopy diapers? One of them is having issues I think.

We are contributing to the school Halloween things. You know, sugar, carbs etc. So excited about being a mum with kids at a school event!!

And it was our 5 yr anniversary. Did we visit one of the many amazing places to eat, listen to amazing music or visit a museum? Nope. We were exhausted. We got a baby sitter to take the kids out and we lay on the bed, snuggling and watched a movie. It was amazing.

It's amazing how the little moments mean so much more than the grand ones.

scar problems

I have a really read odd rash coming from the c-section scar and up my stomach. Any ideas? Since I've had a cold I can't tell if the tenderness is from the coughing or not. 

Everyone here is full of cold and cough. 

Off to bed with a cup of tea. 

Aaachooo and Applause

The play opened last night. It's about letting an elderly mother die. So, as you can imagine there wasn't a dry eye in the house :-)

I am so relieved we actually got to opening night. I can start to relax now. And think about how to get this new job organized!!

Queenie - you're right. I have been totally stressed out by this job from the moment I took it. It's just plain wrong for me. And, I read a text book explanation of sociopath - my boss. Really!

So, with a heavy head cold (and sniffles starting with the kids) I am looking to the future.  I am changing jobs one way or another. This current job gives me the flexibility to see the kids at home at night but the cost is too high.

I did being the kids to the theatre everyday. At 11.30am a theatre is remarkably quiet. So, I bring the kids, we play and goof around for an hour and then off they trot for nap time.
Well yesterday all the actors were around for some reason. I must have been glowing with love and pride. I felt so happy! My kids and I in the only place I feel totally at home and everyone cooing over them.

Well, they are gorgeous!

I have this morning off and there is a long list of to -do's. I haven't 'to done' anything yet and its nearly 11am. Oh well. I'm busy with my kids :-)

Hope all is well with you.

Behind the curve

That's how I feel right now. I went to class with the kids and they were fine but wouldn't sit down in the chairs like the other kids. I just didn't know what to do. I realised that DH had been to all this classes with them and there was tons of info he just didn't tell me (or doesn't know).

I feel like it all falls down to me and that is totally overwhelming right now.

I think this is all centered around the fact that work got my home cell number and have invaded my week off. They bring such anxiety with them that I am sent off the deep end. Anxiety attack.

Is this what being a mother and wife is? Bone wrenching anxiety? Or am I somehow in peri-menopause? What ever it is, life is not a whole heap of fun right now.

Where I take a WEEK OFF!

Every morning I leave for work and my heart stays behind with my kids. This week I am taking time off THAT PLACE to get the show I've directed up (which is drama enough thank you very much)

Which means I get to spend tons of time with my kids. TONS OF TIME. I get to go to school with them, play group and oh everything else they do. Can you tell how exciting this is to me.

They are so much fun these days that I can hardly stand it.

A young women at work is getting married. She asked if I had kids and so we got to chatting. She wants kids but the idea of having them for ever is daunting to her. I thought to my self - damn its not long enough for me.

Every second of every day of forever. Sounds wonderful to me. 

Where my boss makes me cry ....

I am so sorry I've been away for long. I'm working 7 days a week (2 of sheer bliss and 5 of utter hell).


Now for those that don't know me I am a balanced and fair person. I can be a tad forthright and to some intimating.  Basically I don't take shit.  My boss likes to dole out big steaming piles of scatological nightmare. She literally barked at me the other day.

Today she closed my office door and just went for me.  I am, according to this dream boss, hostile.  I swear, I've was voted the friendliest newcomer by everyone else. The mean woman made me cry!  But revenge is sweet.

Looks like I will be quitting some time before Christmas for a better position.

On the kid front.  Perfection. Joy. Hard work - is it ever!! But, wow, what funny and mostly kind munchkins we have.  I hear myself wondering if I am good enough to be their mum.  Surely they should have someone better, more disciplined and pretty and smart and who can turn on the oven!

My favorite bedtime ritual is to watch Wonderpets - the best show ever made and sing along with them.  Kids and animals in perfect disharmony.

Send me hugs to get through another day with psycho boss.  I promise to catch up on all your news really soon.  

I'm baaaaack!!!

Feels like I've been gone a really long time! Good grief that was a long week. Big work event where everyone lost their heads. I even had to spend a whole night away from my little ones. 

Well, not so little really. 

Mimi is tall and thin and quite shapely. I foresee lots of arguments about figure hugging clothing in her future. Pip is just delightful and quite the mommas boy. Both mommas - the day momma and the real momma. 

Yep, Pip has started calling super nanny 'momma'. It was painful just because  I immediately went down the guilt rabbit hole. Then I got my ego in check and realised that my son loves his caretaker so much he bestows the highest title on her :-) So we call her Momma A. She beams with pride :-)

I love directing the play, no matter how hard it is. But I am also looking forward to seeing the kids again. Spending my weekends running around NYC with my grown up babies. 

My Preschool babies. They didn't manage the whole class (Pip fell asleep) but they joined in and listened to the teachers. Pip even pee'd on the regular little kid loo. OK, maybe TMI but I was as proud as punch of them both. 

So, here we go. School. Wow. 

Kids at work

The demands of my new work life are strange. It's not necessary the hours (which are civilized most of the time) its the sociology.  I don;t want to become something I don't want to be. Well, how's that for a dreadful sentence!

So far I am holding fast against the whole thing but its hard and tiring.

So today I just had to see my kids. We live close to my office luckily and they were delighted to play somewhere new.  I held on to them like I was drowning.  I wonder if its the unconditional love that brings me back to what I believe is the 'right thing'? Or is it their wild enthusiasm and trust in life?

Whatever it is I needed it. I got it and it was just in the nick of time.

And now we are on the count down to starting preschool. Wednesday. It's only preschool I know but we have had new haircuts and lots of clothing talk. Grandma want to get them little school uniforms from an english store she loves. Why not!  They have backpacks (Dor.a of course!).  New white socks. New school shoes. Even new PJ's thanks grandma. They are only going for two morning a week!!! However I've cobbled together something for morning and afternoon every day except Friday afternoon.

Am I living through my kids? Hell Yeah. Art, Dance, Gym, School, and hopefully, once they get to 2.5yrs swimming with mum on saturday morning

1, 2, 1, and a whole lot more

1 month in my new job and  ohhhhhhh it's a yukky mess which reduces me to tears most days.

2 little kids had their first visit to dentist. One went weeeee and the other went AHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! We have a binky removal effort underway.

1 new job interview :-)

And

... in a few days my kids start preschool.

Preschool.

Pre - school.

How is that possible. My babies. My babies are starting the long journey to not being my babies. Oh man. We are potty training. We are binky removing. We are proper underwear wearing. We are long sentence speaking, mind speaking, wall marking and big food eating preschoolers.

Pre...

My Birthday Today

Every year I write about how much I hate my birthday.  It's not the ageing coz I don't really care about all that. I always get disappointed by the lack of effort. Nothing new to report this year.

My folks sent an old card, all bent up. They suggested I buy my present from them. "It's just easier that way". Yes, it is. It also defies idea of actually 'giving'. I bought myself a slice of carrot cake at lunch time - thanks ma.

DH made some effort. He bought me flowers (didn't actually give them to me but did put them in a vase). He may or may not have bought a card. He even wished me happy birthday this morning. That's the most he's ever done.

But it's not the cards or presents. Its the total lack of effort.  For just one day of the year it would be nice to have a fuss made.  To made to feel like all the work and compromise is recognized. And to be given a present and card that I didn't actually buy. That really frikkin' amazes me.

I was born to people that just don't celebrate for any reason and I try not to let it bother me. Ha!
I have chosen a mate that doesn't have much empathy since he was basically left to care for himself as a child. I knew all this going into the marriage so I can't blame him.

 Still bites tho.

There. Self pity fest over.

Happy Birthday to me.  

Ideas needed!!

AA, the kids nanny, has a birthday coming up and I don't know what to get. I googled suggestions and we've done nearly everything that came up!

She had summer Fridays in July (paid time off)
We have given her a mug with a photo of her and the kids, a lovely necklace, English tea and cookies,  and a crystal something from Tiffany's coz she collects crystal and a cash bonus.


Seriously, I'm stuck.

 PLEASE HELP!!

So turns the world

So life is getting back in to some sort of routine. I have been in my new job three weeks and my reservation were all correct. The place is insane but there are enough of us scratching our heads that it makes it all fun.

Mimi has started asking me stay in the mornings. She grabs at my clothing or takes my shoes. It breaks my heart. I want to stay baby girl I really do. Pip cuddles up close and cries when I leave but I know he gets over it pretty quickly. Wish I could somehow parcel my life better. No, I wish I could just win the damn lottery and spend more time with my wonderful kids.

I'm going to bring them to work one day soon so they can see where I work and see where I go.

Until then, please help me with ways of getting out the door that doesn't end in my kids screaming my name and breaking my heart! 

2 yrs old!

The kids had their second birthday recently. We've had quite a few parties to celebrate - the family one, the nanny and play friends one and the mum/dad one.

 We have a table full of gifts yet to be open coz they just love playing with their cards :-) An apartment full of Dor.a balloons that just won't go down and a long list of thank you cards yet to be written.

Just as my guys turned two, BBUB+1 gave birth to her twins - boy and girl. So now I guess the blog with be BBUB +3! Congratulations to you all. I am so happy for you.

Having twins has been such a cool ride so far. It's physically demanding (my back is killing me most nights after all the picking up and bending over). Sometimes it's overwhelming but I think that is just the same as any number of kids. The best thing, for me, is the double cuddle. Laying on the sofa, covered in adoring toddler is just wonderful.

But far and away the loveliest thing about twins is watching them together. Something magical and special happens between them that transcends language. She will know when he is going to sneeze and have something ready for him. He will drop everything and defend her at playgroup if THAT kid is trying to bully her. I know they will have each other long after we are not around anymore and that is the greatest gift a mum can have.

extreme stress reaction

It's like a week long major panic attack and I had one.  All week. I ended up on pills and more pills.

The thing that brought most comfort was holding the kids at the end of the day. I also put up a screen saver that rotated through the kids photo's.

By the end of day 4 I was ready to quit. Funnily enough, day 5 things started to click.

Anyone else had anything like this? Over any event?

new job new life

I started my job yesterday.

wait, that can't be right. its been at least three weeks hasn't it?

nope. yesterday.

I was a complete wreck yesterday!  Crying at night, throwing up (yes, oh yes) and wanting to run away. I felt vulnerable and frightened. I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life and there was no way I could do the job.

Finally, today, my second day I met folks who are industry veterans but new to the company and they closed my door and described a very similar reaction to the company. Its not that its bad. Its just that it is huge and everything ... EVERYTHING is in flux.

However.

For the first time in my life I have an amazing boss. I think I will learn lots from her.  I have lovely colleagues and with the exception of one guy, I have a great division.

The best thing tho...

We all leave at 6pm.

I am home by 6.30 and have tons of time with the kids. I love coming home to them even when they are total snot balls of cold!! How much snot can that little nose produce guys???? And does it always have to come out and directly onto my silk shirts?

So there we are. A new chapter opens up just like that. An out of home working mum of twins. I am remarkably proud of that!

Cry giggle giggle

The kids have just gone to bed. Last night at this time Pip was a vomiting terror so we were a little gentle with him today (he drank salted water, don't ask).

I decided on a simple day, exercise, early meal, bath, stories and bed.

They didn't get the memo. Whilst they willing marched off to their room, they clearly had NO intention of settling down.  They are making crying, whiny noises then breaking into fits of giggles. I'm kind of jealous that they get to have so much fun! I'll go in and do the mum thing ...

"right, quiet down, both of you or no [insert usual treat here] tomorrow"

stroke hair and leave to a barrage of thrown teddies and a cacophony of giggles.

Twins!

Count down to new times

This is my last day of freedom. I have spent most of it getting ready for next week and the following weeks.
How am I doing? Freaking out. Yup. A little retail therapy helped - new lipstick and a black dress.

I spoke with the little play school that we had signed up with.   One of the rules is that parents must be in attendance.  When we visited I was struck by how much I liked the school so I was totally bummed that we had to 'resign' from the school.
The women running it loved our super nanny so much that as we can teach one in 15 classes (which my husband will have to do) the guys can go to the school with super nanny. Whooohioooo
They will have preschool, dance class, art class and music class. I'm knackered just thinking about it!!

But that also means that they will have no time to wonder where the hell mummy is.  

With the amounts of preparation going into the various household have to's you'd think I was running for president.  The shopping is on auto delivery, the washing will be done by super nanny, bills are on auto payment and the Valium is ordered. Ok maybe not the Valium. Not a bad idea.


Ok. I have some free time left. I am going to watch tv, go to the gym and book a massage.

All quiet on the hoohaa front

After just a couple of sits bath's and having a baby girl that smells like fish and chips, Mimi seems perfectly fine. PHEW. Poor kid wasn't allowed to sit in a diaper for more than 2 seconds but hey, first time mum even with twins are neurotic. Not gonna stop us from swimming in waaaateeeeww tho. Hell no. 

I have something of a conundrum. I disagree with the way a playmate's parents ...parent. They give the kid over to the nanny in the morning and tell her not to return to the home until 5.30pm. Ever. That kid has been out in 100 degree weather and snow storms. I gave the nanny an open invite to come hide out at our house. This week the kid ended up in the hospital. Again. She was having difficulty breathing but the parents sent her out of the house all the same. The nanny came to me and I sent her to the ER. 

This is not that they are too strict, or only let their kids eat organic or you can only speak mandarin around the kids. Those quirky New Yorker parents I can ignore. 

I can't but help feel that this parenting is neglectful. It seriously endangers their daughter. They left their kid in the hospital over night alone. She's just turned 2. WTF?????

I've only met them once. 

Is there anything I can do? Or is it just non of my business?

UTI

I know, two posts in one day.

Mimi is sick. When she pee's it hurts her and she is peeing massive amounts. We took her to the doctors and they did the pee test and nothing came back - no white blood count elevation etc.

They prescribed a sits bath twice a day and making sure she is as dry as possible.

Please tell me anything about this if it has happened to your little ones - I hate seeing her in pain and I am, of course, worried mindless.

On your marks...

My new job is very keen ... aggressively recruiting ... telling me that I have to start NOW!!! What ever happened to that pre-job vacation that everyone always seems to go on.  I've never been to the Caribbean ( the islands were the height of sophistication to us UK folks) and I was really hoping we could get to Bermuda for three nights. NOPE.

Ah well. It was really expensive anyway.


Today is a little panicky, what with trying to close out all the existing contracts, sign the new contract and move things around and yada yada.  I've resorted to sitting on my bed with two phones, two computers and a whole lot of chocolate.

And right on cue, Mimi has a UTI. At least I think she has a UTI. She keeps grabbing at her crotch. I am working on the floor, outside their bedroom even tho we have super nanny here (who is a trained PA remember). Guilt. That's what it is. Guilt I will be going back to work very soon. Guilt.  For the next two months, just because of two worlds clashing together,  I shall be working 24/7. Guilt.
When she wakes we will go to the doctors where they will do that baggie thing which SHE HATES. How do kids get UTI's anyway???? What is the treatment?

Send me calming vibes please. I think I may explode if I don't calm down.

Rainy days and new jobs

 Of course its pissing it down everyday I have the kids to myself! We are bouncing off the walls! I'm also not good on the anxiety front if I stay in too much so the obsessions over the new job are setting in. 

Luckily tomorrow we booked a breakfast with the fake grandparents which, rain permitting, may be an opportunity to get the kids in the pool. Having a pool is the height of glamour for me. I don't know anyone in the UK with a pool!

It's utterly exhausting having two nearly two year olds inside for this much time.  I have ground my teeth so much that I've got toothache!  However thanks to our concentrated time together in close quarters I can state that Mimi is literate. Sort of. She can read certain words and count to ten. Not sure about Pip coz no-one can understand him (ironic since Mimi is the binky queen). He can run faster than Bolt and tonight, we played cat and mouse around our apartment before I wrangled him into bed. I couldn't help but laugh which just encouraged him all the more.  My mum calls him Pipfullpelt.

Man am I going to miss my little ones when I got back to work. Good job my new office is just a short walk away :-)

Changes are ahead

I had a surprise meeting with the potential boss at the new job and she basically told me ... I got the job.

They are putting an offer together which has to go through the various legal teams, recruiters and HR folks etc. but it feels good to get this good even if for some reason they change their minds. Which they had better not!!!!


Holy crap. I guess I should wait to panic until I sign the contract but why put off tomorrow what I can do today.

I'm spending as much time as possible with the kids just in case. And of course we have their birthday coming up which is a two day funstastic time. Sunday is family and Monday is everyone. We are having a Dora themed day. When they go to bed we shall fill the house with Dora balloons and birthday curly things. When the kids wake up it'll be Dora all day.

Should be a total blast.

Now if you excuse me I have to go back to panicking

Waiting

I went to Washington again yesterday to meet with my last interviewer for the big new job. I think it went well but who can tell, right? So I am waiting. And if I don't get this position I have another one close to closing but in an agency that I really don't want to work in. I just don't agree with what they do.
I've also got two outstanding contracts so right now I feel like one of those guys spinning plates at the circus.

Amazing arrived home around 740pm and heard little giggles and whispers. DH looked fed up

"They won't go to sleep"

I was DELIGHTED!!!

I rushed in there and scooped them up kissing every inch of their cute, clean haired heads. They just wanted  a little attention. So I changed their nappies  (kissing the belly of course) and gave each on a longer than normal pre-bed cuddle (little head on shoulder, arms wrapped tightly around my neck). Once they were back in bed we did our blanket ritual (they lay on their front and I fan a blanket over them from tip to toe,  five times) and they settled down nicely.

Giggling in a really cute tired way they turned to look for me, so I sat on eye level with them loving how they were clutching teddy's (or rabbits) and books, and we all just waited for Mr Snore to come along.

Massive amounts of comfort through just being together.

Add to this domestic bliss that DH bought me some Jamaican Blue coffee as a surprise and I was in family heaven!

The pull and push of motherhood

I am in glorious San Francisco. I love coming here but always underestimate the jet lag. It's a killer.

My meeting is not until 3pm and its on a project that I probably won't do because it isn't financially viable (yes, yes, I actually speak like that) and so my work mojo is zero.

Add to that the kids are both speaking to me on the phone now but they are saying things like
"where ARE you NOW mamma" and 'I really want a cuddle" except it sounds like "wally cluddie want want".  I love work. I love my kids. I love travel. I love home. So I am pulled and pushed whatever I do. I realized on this trip that I will never be completely happy and that's ok. I must try to enjoy what I am doing when I am doing it to avoid going insane.

If I won the ... yes, we are her again ... if I won the lottery I would take my kids everywhere with me (plus the nanny) just like Brad & Angie.  Any excuse to snuggle with toddlers is a great thing.

I see them tomorrow. Red eyeing home so I can go to music class with them in the morning and collapse in the afternoon!

PS our friend 'http://withoutaroadmap.wordpress.com/' is expecting twins, again. Pop over and give the women some love!!

And the beat goes on.

I went to Washington for my big interview which I think went well. Well enough to get invited back at least. I got to stay the night in a hotel. A quiet room with a bed and time to sleep! Big, soft, made up bed. All. To. Myself!!! Didn't want to spend $59 on a burger (whaaaaaaa????) so I went out, got a slice and headed back!!

Of course, I am not abandoning my consulting gigs just in case. Going to San Fransisco on Sunday to meet with clients. Taking the redeye back to save on the hotel which they can't cover due to regulations!!  Moi, cheap! I used miles to upgrade ... swanky!!!

When I was away I called home and Pip said "where ARE you mamma?" which made us all fall about laughing. They don't really seem too bothered but then they do have a wonderful and caring nanny. Supernanny came in the other day and she had hand sown the kids summer pj's!

How're YOU all? There are some lovely posts from Will and Mo about their pregnancy hitting the happy place. There's great photo's from Suzanne of the kids waiting for grandma.  There's even our military friend pregnant with twins. Again. Wonderful. Glorious. Amazing. 

Bliss

For mothers day this year the old fella got me a gift card for a massage at a bit of a swanky spa in Soho. Well, more swanky than the $10 'hole in the wall' places I go to in Chinatown anyway.

Today was the day I finally got to use it and oh. my. god. The masseuse was a genius. I fell asleep at one point. When I was sans kids I used to go for massages all the time and think nothing of it. The great pleasure of the money sucking toddlers is that they have brought 'relative pleasure' back in my life. No pun intended.  I make choices and therefore am more conscious of the pleasures I do receive.

It also gave my brain some much needed time off. I am prepping for the interview on Wednesday with (and I quote) "one of the worlds most influential" chick. Crapping it does not being to describe how I feel right now.  The meeting is in Washington and even tho it is a 90 min flight I am going the night before and paying for a hotel JUST IN CASE.

The big adventure (or why I love NYC)

I just got in from a three hour jaunt around NYC. We popped in to see some friends then walked through the farmers market at Union Square (THE most unfriendly people) then down through the village to University and then on to Soho to see "daddy!!!!!" for lunch.

We got a cab back!

I am so frikkin' exhausted!!

I used to walk around this city for days at a time. It's not the exercise as much as the stress of toddling twins. Somehow Mimi has developed personality from hell. She is demanding, mean, selfish. She is also totally sweet, cuddly, funny and smart. I have whip lash from her mood swings.
Pip is a riot but don't whatever you do get in between his mum and him!

We went out all groomed and looking sharp. Mimi had on a cute H&M outfit as did I. Pip had clothes from his grandma. We got back looking like we had somehow become homeless and shiftless!! Mimi has no pants on. I was covered in food. Pip is pristine except for a little wet patch on his pants but that's Pip for you.

I wiped them off and threw then into bed.

I'm joining them.

Over and out. 

Do your kids look tired?

Since we came back from the holiday both kids but especially Pip look really tired all the time. He has dark shadows under his eyes.

They both nap for a few hours a day and then down at 6.30pm for 11 hours.

I'm being neurotic. Right? 

Curiosity created kids

It's amazing how just being in the same room as some parents makes you want to pull your hair out. Every weekend and most weekdays we have a house full of other peoples kids. We are kid central over here. We are lucky enough to have a largish sitting room (by city standards) and I have no problem with nannies and mum/dads hanging out here, which is not the case in lots of NY'rs homes. 

However ...

If I get one more piece of assvice about raising  and specifically educating my kids I'm going to scream.  I'm happy with how my kids are growing. They are happy, polite, energetic and curious. I do not care that they are not speaking French, Mandarin or Spanish. They share and love easily. I have no intention of hiring a 'K-tutor' to get them into some $40K pre-K school! 

Call me a hippy but kids need to learn how to be curious first then educated. Otherwise you have a dependant and reactive thinker. I prize critical thinking above all. I want them to know why something is correct and not just recite the correct answer. Curiosity is not taught, it's encouraged. I bet there's a correlation between curiosity and empathy (or compassion). 

I hope the guys grow up to follow their passion whatever it may be. And have lots of grand kids :)

Vacation glow

We had our first vacation in ... well, I actually can't remember, to be honest. Three nights in a lovely home two hours north of NYC and it could have been a world away. Idyllic. Fireflies! An outdoor living room.  Kids got to sleep with us which is a real treat and we all loved it. Funny how it effects their behavior in the day tho. Lots of naughty, not listening sort of thing.

Hot? Hell, yes. But the A/C worked and the next door neighbour's  (grandparents of people we rented from) had a pool which they invited us to.

Which means I swam. In public. Big deal. Totally worth it. Why? Coz Mimi is a water baby!! Who knew! When I was a kid I would spend every moment of our holiday either in the camp ground pool or sea. My daughter takes after me which if you think about our situation is such a wonderful surprise :-) We really bonded over in the water. I was so proud of her. She was delighted by the whole experience. We decided to join the local YMCA for their little kid swim lessons.

The break also gave me time to reflect on the whole job situation. I'm going to go for it. It's an industry I want to be in. It's a great way in if the gamble works and if it sucks ... I'll go back to consulting. I love working hard. It gives me great satisfaction to put my shoulder to the wheel. This job will give me many opportunities to do that but the big thing is I will be contributing to an industry that I can be proud to be part of.

So, great vacation.
Job process going well
Tanned and looking healthy

How was your 4th?

The Great Mommy Dilemma

You know that big job I was interviewing for ? They asked for references, which in my book is a good thing. I hope.

Or do I?

I'm still struggling with the idea of not being around the kids as much. They are so wonderful and make my anxiety just dissolves (and all sense of hearing due to the screaming). They are learning so much, doing so much, changing so much and so much damn fun!

This job would be an amazing opportunity for me. Get me into an area that I admire and love and I'd get to do all sorts of fun stuff.

My kids would miss me. Wouldn't they? I would miss them for sure.

I hate having this dilemma. Why can't I have a great job and a home life? DH, in his wise way, said 'just try it. if you don't like it or the kids don't like it.. we'll try something or somewhere else" big words from a life long NY'er.

Whatever happens I keep telling myself to be grateful for the choices. Grateful for the love I feel for my kids. Grateful for the job opportunities and working opportunities. A modern mommy moment for sure.

Poo stories from around the nation

When something event-like happens with the kids I get a little light that goes on in my brain to remind me to post about it.

What seems to be happening more and more is I catch up on the news from the blogs I read (open about 6 pages and speed read!) and without fail two or three of us have the same news!

Yes, this time it's potty training. We are giving it a go (no pun intended) with the little man. Pip has been successful a few times but hated it. He asks for the potty and then hates it. Bit confusing.

Well, BWUB and Sprogblogger both have potty posts. How mad is that. Within days of each other. It makes me feel like part of some wonderful community or village. It makes me feel like I have a family, sort of.

Congrats to all our pooper troupers! 

Bum, Tum and Toys

I've traveled half way around the world with a small backpack and no lists. I didn't pre- book accommodation, return flight, itineraries etc. Preparation? What was the fun in that!

When I saw how much stuff the kids had to have I thought to myself, I shall never travel again. Then of course, we have the grandparents in the UK who are both ill and want to see their kids before its too late.  We have the other only living relatives on the other coast who have never met these kids coz honestly, they ain't grandparents and they ain't that interested.

So the first trip we took was a 30 min car ride and we had 4 bags of stuff.
The second trip was an international trip and we micro managed everything, even rehearsing the security routine to get both kids thru.

Next week we have a few days in the country,  thanks to a very nice friend and colleague. We're driving two hours away and I started with the lists about a month ago. I had the clothing, medical, entertainment, GPS, rainy day, too hot day, emergency reactions and must have toys lists.

And now. I have lost my lists. They got wiped from my phone. After a moment of bone chilling panic I now feel liberated.  Here's what I realized. As long as I have the basics - bum, tum and toys - we'll be fine.

Bum - nappies
Tum - health & food
Toys - the must haves

Seriously, what else do we need to carry? There are always shops and supermarkets. Kids don't need plastic toys when there is a huge garden to run around in and a pool in the village.

How totally liberating.

Vertigo

Well, look at that, who'd of thought of it. I've got myself a dose of vertigo (and an ear infection).

Now, before you call the health authorities on account of our massive amounts of sickness and general unholiness, I'm prone to summer ENT illness. The New York pollen is just like the rest of the city - aggressive and my dainty English sinuses can't defend themselves. However I have never had vertigo before. Not sure if I believe the doctor. She gave me a z.pack so ...

So, as long as it goes over the next week my staggering and tipping and falling around should be gone in time for our little trip up north. Our 4th of July holiday. I am totally psyched. So American. We shall wave flags. We shall jump in swimming pools. I shall sleep late ... and often.

Now, back to Masterpiece theatre, a cup of tea. If I don't topple of the sofa :)

Dizzy my head is spinning

Ya, I think we have been visited by the bug fairy again. In the middle of the night I woke up really dizzy which is a very odd feeling. This morning I was playing with the kids and was like being on a boat! I guess its my turn to go to the doctor 'cept I don't have one. How ironic is that! Maybe the kids doctor will see me ;-)

As I write the kids are stroking my hair repeating 'nice' in their little baby voices. I could do without the dribble from the binky but hey small price to pay. It started me thinking. What will it be like to return to an office job. It's not like I am sitting around doing nothing at the moment (this week alone I have worked 80 hours and it's only Friday) but I am working from home. I get to take a break and play at monsters. I get to hear the kids and see the kids and it just makes it all so wonderful.

It's the age old dilemma for working mums. Do I have a career or do I just get a job.

What are your thoughts?

Fooook!

I'm so busy. I have clients coming out the wazzoo and am going through some serious interviewing and kids, kids, kids!

Good news:
Kids are speaking in almost full sentences
Peter is speaking more in sentences that make sense!
At the moment ... all are healthy  ( I think I'm getting a sinus infection but don't have time or brain real estate to even bother about it).
Next week and the week after I am .... on holiday :-) Well, not so much holiday but taking time to try and relax, exercise and regroup. Whooooop

Hope all is well.

Lurgy

Pip woke up covered ... stop laughing ... Pip woke up covered in the lurgy. A red rash from head to foot.  I thought it was an allergic reaction from the Penicillin but super nanny suggested I take him in.

Not an allergy at all. This is some common summer virus starting with an e. Not serious and should go away in a week. By which time I will have become a frikkin' doctor so we can give our regular medical staff some time off.

To recap: over the past week and half we have had

1. Pneumonia
2. Pukes
3. Fever x 2
4. Virus
5. Rash

which equates to:
4 doctor visits
3 prescriptions
2 nights with no sleep at all for anyone
1 night of kids in bed with us - never again

and a partridge in a bloomin' pair tree

I love you

Mimi, my daughter, smiled at me today and said "I love you mummy".

This is one of the happiest days of my life. 

Are you freakin' kidding me!

This morning did not bode well. Pip wasn't eating and was really clingy. Then he puked like a volcano. I am not good with puke. Not at all. Neither, would it seem is my dear little fella. 

We have a back up babysitter but I decided to let the nanny know I was calling the back up baby sitter.  She told me in no uncertain terms she was on her way.  This chick does not live close and it is a hot thunderstorm Sunday. She was like Mary Poppins. Sent me out for pidia/lite and to get a cup of tea! In under three hours our super nanny had it all sorted. Pip ate, then drank and then wanted to play. 

I feel totally inept and amazingly grateful. She even refused payment. She said that we give her so much all the time that it was nice to be able to return the favour.  The moment she left I burst into tears out of relief and gratitude. 

At this moment, Pip has eaten his way through half a watermelon and is watching his girlfriend - Dora - on the TV. 

Seriously, now can we stand down? 

Round two ...

Pip was on the mend, he was eating better and moving around. Then Mimi started. Over night her temp sky rocketed. It was capped by the medicine we gave her (calpol) so then we went to the doctors in the morning.

They did all the usual checks. Nothing. Then she asked about her peeing. So we had to bag her and do a urine test. I had to hold my girl down while a bag was secured to catch her pee. Thankfully - nothing. No infection. Phew.

Take her home for observation.

OK.

She didn't eat. I was told about a 'double threat' virus going around (puke and poo) so we stashed the towels, water and disinfection.

During the night she was so hot even in her thinest PJ's - her hair all soaking wet, even with the calpol. DH packed the hospital ER bag just in case. Just as I was getting dressed to go to the ER she started to cool down. An hour later she was fast asleep and no problems.

What the what?????

So. Now. Today. We had a temperature free day. We had a puke, poo, screaming, snot flowing free day.

Can we stand down for a few hours? Please.

Phew.

We took Pip to the doctor and they did all sorts of tests. Thankfully he's fine. His infection is clearing and the horrible cough is a good sign, apparently. The panting that I was worried about his because of the amount of gunk he's coughing up. We are on observation mode again (or the 'just in cases').

There was a bust up between doctors about Pip's prescription. According to Dr 1 is was a good call but Dr 2 thought that it was out dated and crap.  Dr 2 is the head honcho, I believe and I was more than a little relieved when he turned up.  He was pretty mad at Dr 1 for being so quick to prescribe too. He said she should have waited 24 hours with strict observation instructions. Instead a not-yet-2-year-old has to have 10 days of Rx when it may not have been necessary. Harrumph. It was all civilised of course but even a one eyed Tasmanian mole could tell what was really going on. No offense if you are a one eyed Tasmanian mole.

So we are on high fever alert. If he gets a high fever more than twice we are to call for a replacement Rx.

 When they came back with good news my body just unlocked and I nearly fell asleep sitting in the waiting room!  I have muscle ache from all the tension. I also felt ill last night which I think was overload of adrenalin.
Such a huge HUGE HUGGGGEEEE relief.

Pip may be quiet, tired and a bit cranky but he's walking around and eating and drinking.

By the way. Very weak chamomile iced tea is amazing at soothing wired babies (thanks to crap Rx) and helping the cough.

Dr 1 also told me it was OK to give the kids honey. Now, honey is on the 'not-yet' list the practice gave us. Do/Did you give your 2 yrs old honey?

Day 2.

I'm taking him back to the docs tomorrow. Pip has panting episodes - not too bad but bad enough. My anxiety is on a steady rise so I need to be careful not to be a nut job. Give me ANY excuse and I will whip him off to ER!

He's very cuddly. Since I am checking on him, cuddling him, helping him cough all night I am totally knackered.

Reading your words of support really help. They are soothing and reassuring. Thank you. 

Pnuemonia

Pip has been coughing for a while so I took him in the doctors. It's pneumonia. I am freaking out. You should have seen me at the doctors when she said 'he has a little pneumonia' In my books there is only having or not having, and my little sweet funny fella has it.

I am so scared.

I was composing a post last night about how, as an infertile,  I always feel tightly connected to loss no matter how blessed I've been. I feel it deep down. I realized today how terrified of it I am,  every moment of every day.  Each miscarriage, each reader-loss, each moment of grief, pain and anger. These moments mount up into a real threat, a real presence that 'normal' people couldn't really understand.

I know myself. Whilst pretending to do housework or write something for a client or whatever  ... I will sit and hover over the poor lad till Thursday when,  even if he is better,  I'm taking him back in to the doctors for a check up. I will sleep on the floor in their  room, just like I do when either one has a serious cold (pretending to my DH or supernanny that I accidentally fell asleep in there).

Maybe most parents are like this? I feel a bit like a nutter. 

Time Out

We seem to have entered the 'no!... 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 ... ok time out' zone. Not sure if the kids even know what's going on!  I am such a total softie. I stand there with the kid, they are crying and maybe stamping feet and all I want to do is sweep them up and cuddle them.

DH has turned into Robocop.  Halt! Freeze! NO!

I've seen kids with no self discipline and no boundaries (hey I live in NYC) so I know what happens to kids with parents like me. I know. But still. Damn it's hard.

The snatching is doing my head in. One twin will be playing with something and the other snatches it. Whaaaaa. Reverse and repeat ad nausea. STOP IT!!!!

OK mum time out for yelling.

My friend has offered us his fancy new home in the Hudson Valley over July 4th. I really want to accept but these guys are in the beginnings of category 2 toddlerdom.

Guess I should really start setting boundaries with these kids!! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 

post baby body changes

It's been nearly two years. I thought I would be back to something like my old self by now. I lost the baby weight more or less. Yet my body has never been in such crappy shape. I have flags on my arms and a flabby mid-drift. My baby belly is still hanging around, no pun intended.

It's not easy being this new shape either. I used to be curvy, like an hourglass. Everything got exaggerated with the pregnancy so that now if you traced my outline you'd probably get motion sickness.

I run for an hour every other day and have just started back up with the weights.

Anyone else still working this one out so long after having kids??

How are things?

Talking and talking and speaking and yapping and screeching and dinosaur growling and book throwing and toy pinching and clothing removers and smacking two objects together really hard so they break and eating one thing and then not liking and then not eating and reading and nearly jumping and gemgem stealing and binky stealing and brother pushing and mother hugging toddlers

850 ...

... posts.

wow and holy crap.

6 rounds of IVF

four  pregnancies

one successful pregnancy

two kids

two years (nearly) of parenthood

hundreds of thousands of damn nappies (diapers)

20 pounds lost ( another 'lots' to go)

60K visitors this blog

34 followers

thank you so much for sharing this with me.

is anyone else...

... knackered?

I just can't seem to wake up, no matter what I do. I made a huge iced coffee this morning, added a shot of espresso to it (don't judge) and all I got was odd tasting coffee and a headache.

Oddly enough, when I ... relieved myself  (don't judge) the headache went away.  Is that some indication of a really rare disease????? Or coincidental with my headache pills kicking in.

The heat doesn't help. The kids look like they have been dunked in water - both get really hot, sticky heads when its humid. Mimi wants to cuddle all the time so she shimmies up me, pulling at my clothing and generally creating small but significant ripping noises yet once she's perched on my hip she gets too hot and wants to be put down. Rinse and repeat a few thousand times and my back thinks my brain has lost its short term memory.

Happily I have a lovely job to do tonight. I get to go see a Broadway musical and write a report for the producers. Free ticket and away from the kids bedtime ritual for a night. It is 50/50 whether I stay awake for the whole thing :-)

Question: Mimi seems tired all the time. She sleeps 10 -12 hours a night with a 1-2 hour nap in the day. Any ideas? 

A surprise surprised.

Well, that was unexpected. I loved Mother's Day.

The best thing about Mother's Day this year?  My kids.

It was a glorious day in every way. Just the three of us. Up early to Sk.ye with Europe and then out into the sunshine. We we're all a bit drowsy, maybe because of the pollen or maybe the sunny Sunday but half  way around the farmers market my little ones were asleep. So I could take my time and not have to buy all the crap that they pick up or kick over. A couple of (homeless) guys (from the mental hospital) wished a Happy Mothers Day to which I replied "Thank you very much" and they beamed. I guess homeless and mentally unstable makes you somewhat societally invisible. They seemed really surprised that I responded.

Then a walk by the river which is always glorious no matter what the weather. On the way home I even got my nails tidied up.

When we got back there was lots of dancing to groovy 80s music and they went to bed for their afternoon nap. I usually cram work in to this time but today I fell fast asleep for 2 hours. The best gift of all.

Other wonders and marvels.
I found out today that if the kids sit in the rocking chair and I sit on the floor, rocking the chair,  they nearly faint with laughter.
Pip wanted to have a long cuddle and watch the Mup.pets which is just Nirvana for me.
Mimi and I read tons today, taking it in turns to point things out.
Bath time was epic. I shall go in there at some point this evening and face the music!
First rate cuddles before bed and an easy transition to bedtime.

A perfect Mothers Day. I am the luckiest person in the whole world. 

Twas the night before Mothers Day ...

Oh no. Here it comes. Mothers Day.

1. It makes me really sad to think of all the shyte I had to go through to become a mom and that lovely, wonderful bloggie friends are still growing through it.

2. DH. Crap when it comes to celebrating other people's things. He will have bought me two cards (I told him to buy them before tomorrow or not at all) and that will be about it. Or he will grab something smelly on the way home from work (at 7pm tomorrow).  Every time he needs to buy my a present he buys the same bath salts that have patulia in them.  Do you know how long it takes to smuggle bath salts out of the apartment. Digging to Australia long, that's how long.

3. I haven't  organised anything.  Sad sack.

Mostly it's the hope. Like my birthday when I was a kid. I would be all excited but trying to squish it. Sure enough, the big day arrived and I would hear "imagine a [asked for present]" which I would get but not for 6 months of so.

I'm not the only one struggling with this I know. So to all us secretly hopeful Mothers .... HAPPY MOTHERS DAY >>>> YOU ROCK!!!!

Updates and what not

Feel like I need to wrap up a few posts that I left hanging.

Updates:
Job: interviewing for full time positions but nothing is really rocking my world (or being offered to me ;-)) so I am still consulting. The work is plenty and the money is good. I miss my team tho. We all keep getting together for lunch! I can see us getting the band together at some point in the future. We did really great work together and I miss the output.
I keep thinking I should outside my field. Try something new. Maybe I ought?

Headhunter fiasco - she took me out for drinks and apologized. Oh I'm so sorry, this has never happened before, yada yada. She's not a horrible person, just you know, not good at her job! I asked if they would have hired me if I didn't have little kids and she couldn't say no,  although they were careful not to mention it to her. She did say she has placed tons of young dads and only 2 mothers with young kids. Amazing.

Kids.
Every morning we snuggle, play, dance, read, run, try to jump and share tea & toast for breakfast. Can you see me smile from there? They are running around and being toddlers. Pip really wants to communication better and gets very frustration. He lets out this bizarre parrot sound.  Mimi loves to chatter on the phone and doesn't care what she says or to whom. Usually she calls you a 'pretty girl' and says she is 'nice'. Which she is :-)

Phew. Thats it. How you doing??

Closer to home

Turned out the vacation house offer from a client was just too 'involved'. He is a very wealthy fellow and his house looked like it had millions of dollars of breakable stuff in it!! Also the idea of the boat ride - four hours - with toddlers just made the whole thing a little overwhelming.

So instead we are most probable going to my dearest friends lake house. It's only 60 mins from NYC and in a lovely area - great for hiking, swimming (in a lake) and generally soaking up the sun and fresh air.

Since my friend is a writer the house is full of books but she doesn't have a TV. I'm not sure whether to mention this to DH. He may go into shock! I'll have to bring a computer for work etc so I shall slip some of his favourite films in and we can snuggle up at night and watch old black and white wonders.

I am so excited about seeing the kids in the fresh air, on grass and splashing around in the lake. We have to get them swimming costumes - what's best? The rash guard or old fashioned swimming duds?

I hope Pip has grown out of this shrieking stage before we go (June) or there shall be either some new folklore in the village about howling moons or someone will think we're keeping some kind of fox holed up in the cottage!

Reading suggestions please!

What were your best vacations with 21 month olds?

I cannot believe ...

It turns out that by having two babies I have effectively cut my chances of getting 'the big job' in half. How do I know this - I basically interrogated my recruiter after a recent job interview experience.

I make a point not to talk about my kids especially if I am being interviewed by a women with no kids or a guy of any shape and size.  Last interview I went on was a really great interview, or sets of interviews,   and I was told by the HR rep as we walked out of the building that it looked really promising (which they wouldn't say unless it was in the bag) and they would call 'my people' the next day.

A few hours later someone called 'for a follow up chat'.
Could I travel? Yes.
How much? As much as was required.
Can I work weekends and any unusual hours? Yes. 

A day or two went by so I called my Headhunter and she finally confessed that they had been writing up the contract when she mentioned my kids and they balked. They don't think I can do the travel etc required of this position no matter what I may say.  She said she'd seen it time and again when representing executive women.

Holy fuck on a stick.

Are we in some 1950s vortex? We still have to petition for basic civil right in the reproduction area, we still make 75c on the dollar and there are still NO women running the top ten companies in the USA. Don't get me started on governing bodies.

Turns out the person that was awarded the position is a working father. Apparently working fathers are attractive coz it indicates stability and commitment. Working mothers not so much.  I am tempted to write a book called ...

And exhale ......

Oh Dallas, I had a king size bed. I had a quiet room. Yes, we worked 18 hours every day but 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep and I felt like I had been to a spa for a week.  I went down to breakfast early and read the newspaper.  I even got to read an actual book on the plane on the way home. OK yes, there was an old Chinese guy singing Chinese Peeking Opera for 3 hours but ha! I mean, he wasn't screaming, teething or wriggling constantly.


But man, was I glad to get my hands on those wonderful, funny and adorable kids again :-)

go the f*ck to sleep

If you haven't listened to the little audio book on itunes please do - it's really funny.

My kids are 20 months old and their sleep has gone all over the place. 11pm, 3am, 5am,  - MAMMA!!!
Oh I'm so tired. Add to all this that the consulting gigs are rolling along at top speed and yours truly doesn't look so hot right now! Big BIG bags under my eyes, my body aches likes a mofo and I keep falling asleep at desks around the city no matter how many espresso's I drink.

I enjoy the quiet cuddles, when the rest of the world is fast asleep. Mimi snuggles up close and often slips into an adorable toddler slumber. Pip, no not so much. He wants the TV on. This morning we watched a documentary about a couple living on the River of No Return - hiking, filming and ... well, that was about it. Yesterday it was an advanced mathematics program.

Why are they not sleeping through the night???? Tomorrow I go to Dallas on work for two nights. It's just not right how I feel about two night's away :-}

Anyone got any words of wisdom? 

Musical and literary genius

I have totally turned into one of those mums. I think, no I know, that Pip is a musical genius. Yep. He is more talented than Mozart and Mobi combined. He sings in tune to classical music, claps in rhythm and dances like a crazy person.
Mimi, she can read and count and is clearly the missing Bronte sister. Didn't know there was a missing Bronte sister, well, er you may have a point.

That having been said I will not be putting them into prep pre-school school. I fuukin' kid you not. Nor do I want them in any fast tracking or special programs.  Everyone I know that was a star at school burnt out before they turned 21. I dream they become university teachers in a nice town somewhere that we can retire to! Grandkids. May I remind the reader the guys are not yet 2.

Poor kids. Crazy momma.

School daze.

We went to our first preschool visit. The chick that showed us around started the school for her daughter. She wanted a space that had structured free play. Basically she wanted her kids to learn to love learning. All the parents attend with their kids, where you contribute as a teacher and then eat lunch together.

It's a little, one room playhouse that is immaculately clean and very welcoming.

There are only ten kids per class (and ten parents). Two mornings a week we all learn together. Clearly it poses some logistical issues. My DH works a schedule and would have to ask permission to change it. I'm consulting right now but by the time they are two, who knows. Maybe I could swing it? 1030am to 12.30am.

I do love it. It has a wonderful little garden. Outings. It's in a public park with a cool kids area. It's the only one in the 5 boroughs and it's affordable.

We're going to look around the Y and there's a great school in the synagogue but they are much farther away and much more expensive. I just don't know understand how two mornings a week costs 12K?? What are these preschools teaching?!

I cannot believe I am looking into schooling options for my babies!!! Wow.

Moving On

So the last post drew out some less than generous commentators. Mostly the comments that were meant to be oppositional missed the whole point but isn't that always the way.

I'm glad for the exchanges tho. It made me think about what I want from this experience. I have long said that this blog should be a place for support, reflection and interaction for women that are or have struggled with creating a family. The blogs I read and comment on (when I have time) are all women that have been or are going through so much. These women are courageous and dedicated enough to share that experience and I for one have got so much from reading their words.

Some blogs go private when the anonymous cat crew strikes. I don't think I shall tho. I responded to the last set of anonymous scribes since it was relevant to the post, but that isn't my usual way. I'll just ignore them and invite you do to the same.

I am proud of this blog. I'm proud of the time, energy, thought and application it takes to keep it going. More importantly it means the world to me to be part of the IF blog environment. I've felt support from you guys that has rendered me speechless. Nothing any 'anon-mouse' writes can or will stop me from being part of this.

For you...

The unwelcome guest.

"Maybe your tastes should change. Get rid of the nanny. Get rid of the expensive vacations. You no longer have a job. What you think are necessary are total luxuries."

I've never responded to an anonymous comment before. Insults from someone that doesn't have the backbone to stand by their words are not worth responding to.  

However, you bring up an interesting point which I thought I'd address. 

'Get rid of the nanny'. 

 I'm not a semiotician but the expression 'Get rid of the nanny' is such an odious expression. 

Whatever the reason it would seem that anonymous believes employee's are disposable whenever they become an inconvenience.  Here's the reason I haven't 'got rid of the nanny'. 

I entered into a social, ethical and financial responsibility with AA.  The contract is as evident as the day I hired her.  She is not a luxury, she's an employee with her own responsibilities, which as an employer we directly impact. If it is in our power to earn money so she can be retained than that is what we must do. Which I have. I started a very lucrative consultancy the day I got laid off. 

It's also worth pointing out that she's an integral part of our household and my kids life. Their lives are enriched by AA , as is mine. Not to over state this but my kids love AA because she is a kind, nurturing, loving caretaker. 

As for the expensive vacations! Read the blog. We haven't been on a vacation since the kids were born and before that we spent a weekend at an Inn about half an hour from home. As it turned out it ended up being free except for the train tickets. Martha's Vineyard - the boat is $45 return. A week in a hotel would be less than two days of consulting.  However it looks like an ex client is going to offer us their vacation house for free. You ever heard of karma. You should check it out. 

 Keep away from my blog.  And grow a pair, for goodness sake. 

Martha's Vineyard

So, we live in NYC. The last vacation we had was when I was pregnant and it was two night in a hotel about an hour or so away.

Today we have found out that very close to where we live is a boat that takes you to... Martha's Vineyard. We could walk the ferry and take the frikkin boat to an actual holiday, with beaches and sea and ice cream and ... well... all that crap.

Here's a question oh bloggie sisters. Anyone been to MV and if so did you happen to notice somewhere nice to stay. Can toddlers stay at B&B's? Is there a hotel that would be more appropriate. Do you happen to have a lovely house on the water that you are just aching to let a financially strapped family use for a week and if so could you throw in the maid and jet ski's also please.

Would love to hear from anyone with experience of the island and it suitability for kids.

No binky no luvvy no way

Pip has wholesale rejected his beloved teddy and binky. One day he just stopped using them. He won't have them near him now.

I am a little freaked out by this.

He was wedded to his little teddy, He was binky king.

Of course, I am immediately googling the problems it could be!!

Anyone else had this?

split lip

Last week I bonked Pip's head as I was putting him down in his crib - well, he bonked his head but you know what I mean. His lip started to bleed a little then stopped.
Today, not to be outdone, Mimi took a tumble and split her lip in three place. Blood everywhere. I gave her ice to eat which is easier than trying to hold a 2 yr old and apply ice. She's fine, it looks worse ... etc.

I am a total mess.

You wouldn't believe the things that went through my mind.  You are such a crappy mother. You are in no way fit to look after these kids. You should just leave and do everyone a favour.

Oh yes, full on.

This is all flamed by my unemployment funk. It really is tough to be interviewed and rejected. Yuck. Not used to it and don't want to get used to it thank you very much. Doesn't help that someone close to me said " well, now with the kids, you're almost unemployable".

Mmmnn.


We watched the Mu.ppets movie this weekend with the kids. They loved it. We all sat huddled around giggling and dancing and messing about. If I am unemployable would that be such a bad thing?