way past over tired

Mimi was/is sick and so I was up all night. Temperature, vomit and,  I think,  teething. I was supposed to be up at 4.30am to go to Boston. At 2am I canceled my trip. No way was I leaving my little girl.
I did get some sleep today since I didn't go to Boston and Mimi is really doing well (still sick but doing OK) but I really need a nights uninterrupted sleep.

I wish DH would step up. I asked him to look after the kids this evening and he's acting like he got kicked in the nuts. All I am asking is for him to look after sleeping kids from 6- 10! They are asleep!!!!

I'm biting my tongue.

 But why? Why don't I just let fly, say what's bugging me? Why do I hold onto all this?

What do you do?

.

over tired.

I am so sick of being overtired.  Mimi is teething again, I think, and so for the past two nights I've had a tiny amount of sleep. Add to that the traveling and you have one depressed and wiped out women.
At least the travel is over soon. I have one more flight in this section (Boston, tomorrow) and then I am done. YEEEEHHAAAA!! I must have logged about 50 thousand domestic miles this month. Thats about 45 thousand too many in my book.

I am thinking about changing jobs. I love my job but there is an element of survival that I used to thrive on and now ... eh, not so much. Not with two little perfect beings at home. I'd like to come to work and have my days and weeks planned for me - oh its April so I am on the X job.
Maybe I will sit tight till I come back from my holiday (two weeks and counting).

Here's my moment of zen for today. Pip is teething - that's not the moment of zen since yeah, that makes 2 kids teething. So this morning he was crying instead of napping and I decided we should have a cuddle in 'the big bed'. I'm a fat women and as such I have never NEVER allowed myself to sleep with either kid in our bed for fear of hurting them. However, I do love my big bed cuddles with the pumpkins although to be honest, they don't happen all that often.
With Pip, who is an electronics nut, I play some baby stuff I have on my iphone which he adores and we snuggle. Ohhhh man. It is so cool. With Mimi we play where's my tum!! She giggles like she's fit to bust.

Is there anything more lovely than starting your day with big bed cuddles. I think not. 

signing ala moi

BWUB has a great post about how her little dude is signing. I love the idea of signing, I really do but I am such a lazy arse that although I've bought the books, and the apps, and the DVD, I have yet to teach them a single real sign. I have made up a ton tho!!

We have a fake sign for sleep, tired, milk, poo (oh yes, poo) and Beethoven (don't ask).

they react tot he signs but they don't do them so I guess I still have time to do the real signs? What is the sign for  "I'm teething so make a pot of coffee coz you're not getting any shut eye tonight'???

meltdown

Just had one. Big teary, snotty heaving sob type of meltdown.

Work = nightmare.  I am working all the time. Yesterday for example I was working till 11pm last night and up at 5 with babies and to continue working.  Been to San Fran, LA, Dallas, Chicago and Atlanta in the last two weeks and tomorrow I go back to SF and then Boston on Thursday

Friend from hell came a visiting. I really must divorce her. She came at 10 left at 2.30 and did nothing but talked about her sorry ass life. AHHHHHHH.

TEETHING HELL. Poor Pip is in teething hell and with him ...  the rest of us. Neither one took a nap today which is unheard of. So, needless to say, when the witching hour came  and they had total screaming fits I couldn't really cope.

DH has been amazing. Thank all that is there for DH. Operation GTFU - abandoned due to non necessity. 

zoom zoom y'all

Just went to Atlanta. Never been to that city before and before kids (BK) I would have stayed to look around, maybe go on a little adventure. As it was, I flew in for the meeting and ran RAN to get the first plane home so I could put the little ones to bed.
So worth it.

But ....

I'm sitting here with major anxiety. Out of nowhere. I started thinking about my kids on the way home and a little kernel of worry hit me. What if they really care that they don't look like me. What if they are hell bent on finding their donor. What if, what if, what if...

Luckily I am having lunch with B. (http://losingkara.blogspot.com/) tomorrow so she can talk me off the ledge !! My first IRL bloggie meeting. Very excited. B - I'll meet you just inside the door at 12!!

ha ha yum yum

My son and daughter are in their exer.saucers, facing each other. Pip spins the sun toy, looks up and grins a bright smile at his sister. She giggles back and eats the tag on one of her toys.

I love being a mom. 

the war in bloggie land

They did it again  - slept through the night. All night. From 5pm to 6.30am. If this happens tonight I think I might invent a little dance in celebration!!

With the sleep (mine) and the hormonal balance that I seem to be gaining from not nursing I started seriously wanting to exercise. It's like a physical urge. So I went online and got the timetable of classes from my gym to see if I can fit some in and with a bit of noodling I think I could probably make a couple of classes a week.
Then I went online to look for blog sites of mum's or weight loss/exercise peeps. Well. What an eye opener. There is a war of words out there. I thought the IVF crew could get feisty!! Turns out that the 6 big fitness bloggers were attacked by Mari.e Claire (sorry if this is old news). MC made them out to be a fanatical, I think. Thousands of comments later and it seems that the war still rages.
But it made me think. Would you guys mind if the focus of this blog shifted slightly? I would like to blog about becoming a fit mum. The kind of mum that runs and bikes and does crazy things like work-outs??

What say you?

nursing ... buh bye!

I have more energy and the freedom from pumping is intoxicating! Guilt? Lot less but it's still there. Lets face it, being a ma is gonna have its fair helping of guilt. 

So what are we doing with all this free time? Play date. We went to a twin play date. I loved it. It's great to see the kids interact (even if they were cuddlebugs for most of the date).  Getting two kids in and out of the cab was interesting. Lazy NY taxi drivers.  Feckers.  My little ones just stared at the big one year olds friends. We are a quiet family and we have quiet kids so these big kids, with all their chatting and laughing and yelling was a bit much for them! My friends kids are so lovely. They are social and active. We had a blast with the four little ones and one big one. 

The last few days, the weather has been glorious and I cannot wait till we get to poodle around without all the cold weather gear. 

Bring on the Spring!!

nursing ... goodbye

I tried to keep going. I lugged the machine and then the hand pump on 20 flights so far. When was the last time the kids actually got the milk ? I can't remember. So....

I stopped.

I haven't pumped in 36 hours.

My period is here (second time since I gave birth) and so my boobs hurt and I have period pains. Lovely.

I am so guilt ridden I'm crying all the time. I try and reason that they are now on solids so its OK.  I feel so lazy and selfish. I would prefer to strike this from my 'to do list' even tho there is plenty of evidence that's really important to my kids.

What is wrong with me.

Remembering loss

Yesterday was a day trip to Chicago with a 3hr presentation. Now, from NY, thanks to the time differences this isn't too bad. I got up with the kids, had a cuddle and play around 6am, went to Chicago and back, and kissed them goodnight at 1030pm. OK,  so they weren't awake but it was still in the normal 'goodnight chickens' timing (before I go to bed I always go in, give each a kiss and say 'goodnight little chickens'. This is something my father did when we were kids).

Mimi got up at the regular time today and was tired but Pip slept till 740!!! WOWOWOWOW.  And when I picked him up I swear he was bigger. I'm relaxing on the big question about Pip. He has really great fine motor skills, intelligence (I can see him working complex things out:  I want to turn over ma's necklace so if I do this, then this ... ah done!) and his sounds are simply enthusiasm.

What is this turn around I hear you ask?

Yesterday I met an old friend. I haven't seen her in a year. A year ago one of twin  baby daughter's died at 3 yrs old from epilepsy. S has been out of the office for most of the time since then and this was the first time I got to see her, face to face. She looks almost exactly the same - high heels, amazing hair, wonderful makeup and the latest fashions. Except her fire has gone out. She is enthusiastic but her spark, her fire, her something has gone.

On the way home I thought about S and her family. Then I pondered about mine. I resolved to stop looking for problems and revel in their uniqueness. 

time changing baby bonkers

Kids have gone bonkers since the time change. They eat at a different time, sleep at wacky hours. They are knackered when they get up. Very odd.  Not complaining about the later start to the day tho. Hell no.

Pip has changed again. He is not as unfathomable. He laughs and interacts much more. He is still my cuddle bug but likes to play with Mimi as much as possible. I am less worried by the day to be honest. He's just a passionate little guy, thats all.

We are starting to pack for the UK. I am very excited about taking these guys on a trip. If we can get the plane thing licked you won't see us for dust!!

OK. Crap day ahead so I am going to meditate with my (forbidden) Star$ for a moment longer before all hell breaks out.

Hi y'all, what's going with you??

time changes

I think its time to quit breastfeeding. They usually get shot in the morning and one at night. Yet lately I've not been into it, always finding a reason to dump. Mostly good reasons - sleeping pills, cold medication etc.

There seems to be globs of guilt about this decision. Will my kids get cold after cold, ear infections etc? What about my pledge to keep going for one year.

Part of the reasoning is work. I have about 20 flights in 10 days. Even if I did pump we wouldn't be in the same time zone! When home I have to give it a few days coz of the 'what day/city/time is it?'  sleeping pills.

I guess with work ramping up, the kids learning to be more animated and more active and the crappy body issues currently occupying my time I seem to be overwhelmed. Pip still worries me although I am relieved to report that between the nanny and I we have got the little chap to take weight on his legs.  His behavior is still odd. Maybe not for a baby?! He makes really loud screeching/yelling noises occasionally. Tell me to chill out and stop being so stupid.

Thank you to those folks that posted - it was really helpful.


Oh and on the amazing but true side: on Friday I had a the beginnings of a really heavy cold. I took Zica.m as directed, a ton of vit C and some night medication and woke up on Saturday symptom free!! Seriously - that stuff is like magic.

Dare I ask the question...?

Got in at 2am last night from San Francisco. I woke up sneezing and now I have a full fledged cold thanks to  American 'we are a petri dish' Airlines. I actually didn't realize at first because we were watching the awful aftermath of the earth quake. Orders of magnitude and all that.

Oh how lovely to see my little ones again. To hold and cuddle them. To feed and bathe them. To be their mom.  I really hope they don't get sick from me but I just couldn't help swooping them up at every opportunity.  I am so grateful to our nanny for being such a terrific care taker. I just couldn't have managed today without her.

I have a question for you all. Just writing this question seems really hard. I can't help notice how different the kids are from each other. Mimi I understand. She is a baby with baby responses. Pip is much more demanding, emotional and physically jerky. His feet are in second position still and he refuses to stand, or at least brace. OK I am clearly freaking out. Any ideas out there. I'm not (just) looking for the good news, if you know what I mean.

Now I am going to bed with some cold medicine.

Today travel

New York to Dallas
3 hour meeting
Dallas to LA

Pooped and I miss my kids.
Say hi to a weary traveler

It'll make you pee your pants

Thank you guys! I really love seeing new people. I checked out your profiles as I do with all new followers and I am honoured you would read this blab!! Jill, I knew you already but hell, it's good to see your name in there!! If there is anyone else that would like to make a sad old women very happy - please sign up and let me know there are readers out there ;-)

Saturday folks. HOT DAMN I love this day. DH is off work. We get the kids all day together which is lovely. And today I have a sectional rehearsal with the extremely talented choral director. He is amazing but being in such a small group is a bit nerve racking!!

I never endorse products (except Puj Tub) but I have to mentioned Baby Einstein. The guys have loved Beethoven since they were 4 months old but this morning they were like - ah seen it (a few hundred times) so I put on the first moves DVD. They love it. I love it. They are literally laughing up a storm!!
Our routine looks like this
5am - medicine
5.15 feeding (milk)
5.30 Baby Einstein
6.30 food (mush)
6.45 Exersaucers
(7am clean up puke on Exersaucers)
7.15 bath and nap.

How else could I possibly want to spend my morning :)

And finally - laughs for all. I defy you to try and not laugh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hooid1LJ9Kc

Sign up for smiles.

Well, how is my anxiety. Not good. And good. Money money money worries. However, lots of travel coming up which is always... wait I hate business travel. Mind you, ice cream in bed.
OK, here is good thing:  vacation coming up. Going to the UK in April. Green rolling hills, real tea, family, mum's curry's.

Yeah, swings and round abouts.

Trying to get my DH another job before he gets fired.
Trying to get to the gym before I become a reality tv show star.
Trying to work out how to afford to ... live!
Trying to win the freakin' lottery.

And to top it off I lost a follower. Booohooo. I love seeing the follower list grow, not diminish. Please, make my day, sign up. 

anxiety and bad mojo

I got the above, anxiety and what I can only describe as bad mojo feeling. I have had to spend way to much time with evil bitch at work and her cronies of hell and I am just totally icked out. At least I escape to one of my favorite cities in the US - Washington DC.


I keep dreaming of winning the lottery and all the things we could do. I would still start the play group/ nursery (thinking of calling it Little Berries and all the classes would be a fruit ... still makes me laugh) but it would be a meritocracy not based on financial ability and we'd hire really imaginative caretakers to run them.

Then I would start a nursery school called Love Lane Primary Education  (that was the name of my first school and I can't think of a better name). LLPE (see, its already an acronym) would be an arts school but that concentrates on different cultures to promote peaceful global citizenship. You know what, lets make that a k-12 school (Love Lane Educational Institute) . And while we are at it we can write a couple of undergrad courses on peace through the arts for universities.

Yeah.

Sounds good.