Tuesday, August 31, 2010

BP 2 & HP 2

BP is now 120/78 so I am guessing the other readings were just off. The nurse has quite old equipment. The large gaping hole in my abdomen is healing well according to the nurse. She thinks we have two to three more weeks of dressing it. I have it dressed twice a day and yesterday I stopped taking the pain killers. I'm not in that much actual pain and I was getting just a little too fond of the calm buzz they gave me!

Thank you for my birthday wishes.
I wrote, published and deleted a whole post about how much my birthday sucked. I deleted it because whilst it is true - my birthday sucked arse coz no-one in my family including DH, made any effort, the post was toxic. It felt wrong.

Here's the deal: Every year I hope that someone, either my DH or someone in my family, will make an effort. Cards on the table for when I get up, breakfast in bed, maybe a gift. But no-one ever does. I am hurt but it's madness to expect things to change. I have my kids now, I can make their birthdays fun and surprising when the time comes. As for the rest of the family - I shall follow their lead.

Here's a question to the formula mums - how do you know how much to feed your kid? If we let one of our kids eat till he is full it all comes back up again. Any advice?

Monday, August 30, 2010


I'm 42 today. Happy Birthday to me. The kids got me a card :-)

Here's a question for you. My BP was 120/78 throughout my pregnancy (and before). Now it is creeping up. Yesterday it was 140/80 and today its 120/90. What's up with that??? Anyone else have weird bp stuff post birth?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

My truth about PPD

There is always that moment when I open my eyes for the first time in the morning and think - oh man, here we go again - the noise, the arguments, the feeding and changing and changing and feeding. It feels like a tsunami, totally overwhelming.

I usually sigh.

Then I make myself think of my boy and how the little monkey has a particular expression that makes me laugh no matter how crappy I feel. I make myself think of my girls cheeks and cute legs and long hands and how she sits like a basketball player and I smile a deep warm smile.

I usually sigh again, this time a sigh of anticipation. Another day learning from my kids and spending moments gazing at them, cuddling them, stroking their skin that is so soft it amazes me, watching them learn something, find something, see something for the first time. Wait for them to grab on to my thumb or put a hand on my cheek.

This is key to getting me out of bed and moving through those first moments of the day.

During the day, I experience the two polar emotions simultaneously. From one I am more than happy. From the other I am lost and hopeless. Neither emotion wins out completely they just trundle along like two notes played ever so quietly but that clash horribly. Sometimes I feel the supreme & delicate harmonies through all the discordance other moments are cacophony, chaos.

That is my experience of post partum depression.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Rookie mom ... check

I was changing the boy. Again. We had had a quiet morning and had even taken a walk. He was screaming and squirming on the table and I was being earth mother and singing to him.
Then I saw them. Yellow crystals. Oh my god - when my dad had crystals his kidneys were infected. I ran to the phone and called our Ped doc.

He asked me if he had had a big wet diaper.
Was it high up in the diaper and golden yellow
Gulp, check
Was the diaper saturated?
oh. my. god. check

"They are absorbent crystals from the diaper. When he has a super pee, the diapers base usually get saturated and the crystals break free."
Ah, check

"Good call, always call us with any worries. But, its nothing to worry about this time"

Check :-)

Rookie mom!! CHECK!

Thursday, August 26, 2010


We ate lunch outside today. Outside. Sun, breeze, kids asleep ... wow.

Baby girl has passed the 6pounds mark. little boy - not so much but here's hoping

I arranged for a couple hours of help once DH goes back to work.

Whilst I have an infection in my wound, my healthcare insurance has kicked in so I get the service without having to pay for it!

They have finally ... finally stopped screaming.

I have two kids :-)

My SSRI's are kicking in.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Is this rock bottom?

This hormone depression is the killing me. I am sobbing again, thinking what did we do this for?! Why am I in pain with two kids that I clearly have no idea what to do with. Not true of course. I seem to be able to soothe them. We are figuring out the little things as we go along and i am not really in that much pain.

I guess this is what they mean by overwhelmed. I would be feeling this with one kid or four according to my therapist (who has twins). Sob Sob sob. I am sick and tired of being this insecure mess.I panic at every thought - how much is the night nurse costing us, how much for the nurse to dress the wound, how much for the nanny, where is this all going ... blah blah worry worry.... I miss my old self, the confident and happy women. It seems unthinkable that I will ever feel anything but depressed. I actually felt like I was in free fall this afternoon - falling, emotionally.

Please tell me when you started feeling better again. I need something to cling to. I think, I hope, I may be at my rock bottom.

Monday, August 23, 2010

quick update

I called my doctor. I had to - i was hopeless and anxious, falling head first and unable to cope. She doubled my SSRI meds and ordered me to take my pain meds.

It worked. There was a moment this afternoon that was ...happy. i was cuddling my little girl, the boy was fast asleep nearby. For the first time in a long time I felt happy.

I don't have time to write a longer post or comment on others but I am reading when I can.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

fear and resolution

Well its been a tough couple of days. my post partum depression seems to be hovering on the edges. Its a strange feeling, somewhat familiar since I had a serious depression many, many years ago. It scares me and covers my day in grey cloud of anxiety.

Physically things have had a step back. I developed a hematoma (sp?) and yesterday it made itself known. So I spent the evening at the ER getting prodded and poked and packed. If you are unfamiliar with the C-section joys, as you heal there can be a pooling of liquid (in my case blood) that needs to be dealt with (like dry rot in a house). We didn't get home till after 1am. Thank all that is that we have a night nurse. I now have to have a nurse visit every day to treat the wound.

OK enough moaning. I am tired and weepy but who isn't after birth. We have tons of help. We have amazing friends that rally when we ask them. And best of all, my kids are fine. They are growing and fun and cuddly. They know who their mum is and were upset when I wasn't there to feed them last night. Our regular night nurse starts tonight and she is motherhood personified. And our wonderful nanny hasn't even started yet and she wants to visits to make sure I am OK and meet the kids.

So a minor set back and many things to be grateful for. I'll have a good cry and then hustle to get my little lad his breakfast otherwise he'll yell at me!!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

quick check in...

Finally home. Its a long stay in a hospital if you've never been in as a patient before.

Here is the story.

My doctor asked us to be in the unit by 630am to have a hand count done on my platelets. Little did I know that she had had to move heaven and earth to get this approved. Good job she did coz they came back at 85K. I could have my C section under an epi and not general.

So, we prepped. The epi was a breeze. I was nervous but excited about meeting the guys so I think I was in a very cooperative frame of mind. The guy found the spot first time and with no pain at all. Then they lay me down. My edema was really bad and had spread right across my body so my stomach had to taped in all sorts of weird places to get it out of the way since everything else was so swollen. Then they brought in DH. He was great, a real rock star. They had to work hard to get my guys out and boy was it a show. Everyone was hanging over the drape to get a better view. Suddenly there was a wail and another and there they were. DH was encouraged to stand to look at the girl and in the process saw my insides, on the outside, and he nearly passed out but didn't. They were so cute and we got some amazing moments before they had to whisked away.

I was whisked away to recovery. I had lost lots of blood so the rest is a bit of a blur. All I remember was being turned to the side to get the 'liquid' off the table and people looking at one another. DH said that there was buckets of the stuff all over the place. After being given a ton of injections, tests and pills I got into my room by late afternoon and got to hold my kids then and there. The boy was bruised but such a cute little guy and the girl is so brave and strong. They smelled like heaven and have been really good to us so far.

Then everyone went home, including DH, and the kids got wheeled off to the nursery so they could attend to me a bit further. However,by midnight I was out of bed and went for a short walk.

Over the past few days I have had about 4 hours sleep and I didn't even room- in!!! I was checked on every hour and tests done day and night for two full days if not more. Finally I was allowed an uninterrupted night last night and I had insomnia!!

Now I'm home, in my own bed, and ready to sleep. The pain has subsided and my emotions are quite stable (at the moment).

There is so much to tell you. Still deciding whether to post a photo or not - you know why.

Friday, August 13, 2010

2x 5.5lbs !!!!

Two perfect babies delivered via a trouble free CSection.
One very happy mum (and wonderful dad).
This Has been the best day of my life.

Thank you everyone for your support. More details when I can.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Twas the night before christmas.. UPDATE

Hi, its me again. Turns out my platelet count is down to 65K. BOOOO. So I have another draw tomorrow and if they can get it to 75K by running what's called a hand test (counting by hand?) I can have an epidural. If not, I'll be out for the count. Bummer. However, I still get to have my kids tomorrow whatever happens.


I am officially prepped for C- Section action tomorrow.

BP= 120/78
temp - normal
NST = 140 range for both bambino's
Weight - out of control but who cares

C Section time - 12pm. We got moved back from 2pm which works for me. Dr K said if we get there at 9am, do another platelet test (she's worried it may have dropped below the 80K range) and then they will prep me and have me in there asap. I may get to meet my monkeys early. I get to meet them. I am so frikkin excited. DH is a wreck. Very quite and moody!! I, on the other hand, feel like it's the best Christmas ever! I'm not even nervous about the operating room.

The sinusitis is under control with the pills the doc gave me. Still feel kinda crap but with all the excitement its just natures way of keeping me from over doing it today. And, by the time I leave the hospital I shall be fine - where better to recoup from sinus problems!!

Wish me luck and I shall see you on the other side. Thank you everyone for reading, supporting and helping me along this very long, hard and wonderful journey.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ohhhhh c'mon!!!

I have accute sinusitis. Thanks to my husband bringing home a cold.
As long as I don't develop a temperature Friday is still on.
How much grovelling should he do???

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

3 till we meet

I think we should get the " the best support group in the world" award. I do. I think you guys are really cool and always there when I need you. Thank you. I had a good cry last night and spoke to my support group (over the phone) and feel a whole lot more positive and excited today.

It's a big day in the Eb household. The coffee maker is out of retirement. Oh yes, my friends, she's back. This officially signals the end of my pregnancy. I didn't trust myself to limit my intake to one cup a day. Hell no. I'm onto my second large cup of decaf already although I'm not actually drinking it. I have it close, in my favourite cup, my winter cup that I snuggle up with when the winter snows come. When it's not 95 degree's and humid outside and I can wear grey wool. Sorry, where was i? Oh yeah ...

I took Elizabeth's advice and wrote a schedule. I love timetables and lists and organisation so it was pure pleasure. We will be napping on the go twice a day since I want to get out and about even if it is for 30 mins at a time. I printed a log to track feeding, sleeping, bm etc. It has 364 pages in it since the moron at Kinko's left the original on the copier!! I have bottles cleaned and ready, diaper bags packed and Ad.vil bought. I organised the kitchen back into a working kitchen (we have been doing take out nearly every meal). I got my sneakers and gym gear out of storage. I am one happy camper.

As my nephew would say - three more sleeps. Three more sleeps till I meet my son and daughter. Wow.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Big baby mamma

I had a bit of a meltdown today.

I have no biological family coming to my big day. In fact, i have no biological family seeing the kids till October. Why? Because that's what they have decided is best for them. It's not the first or last time I'll go through some monumental life moment without them but each time there's a conversation when someone asks for permission, asks to be let off the hook, to be made to feel less guilty about not being there for me. And each time I go along with it and say mind numbing platitudes so that everyone, except me, feels that all is OK.

This time I didn't say it was OK but I didn't let them know that I feel lonely and afraid and it would be nice to know my family put me before the beach holiday or the weather or their own fears.

Maybe that's why I started this blog? Maybe that is why I should start a new blog when my lovelies are here - a mommy blog as Kate put it. It won't alter the family dynamic or get me to state my needs explicitly which would be the healthiest thing to do but I will hear from you - from the folks that understand, and that make a difference. I will feel connected.

I'm such a spoilt brat, moaning that no-one loves me when in fact I am surrounded by love. Love of different sorts and different expressions but love non the less.

Maybe I am more anxious than I realize :-)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Ahhh Sundays

My DH works on Sundays and so far I have had a lovely quiet day to contemplate and indulge. I slept till 1030am (the first time I have slept past 8am for probably 20 years) and then had a decaf iced cappuccino. OH MY GOD how gorgeous are they!! I also bought English chocolate from the local store (weird that they have such a good selection) and will watch crap TV all afternoon before my ball of anxiety comes home!!

I've been thinking about this blog. Once the kiddies are here I may stop blogging. We have followed the psychologists advice and not mentioned to anyone that these kids are Donor Egg babies. That's one reason I have been so backwards about posting photo's here. We want them to know first. Once they understand, and if they are ok with it, we can tell the family etc. Apparently this is the least traumatic way for them to find out. Wonder what their reaction will be? Wonder if they will want to search out their gamete donor? We don't have anything written down about her or anyway of finding her other than through Dr J so that might be a little difficult. Funny the things I have started worrying about so close to the delivery day!

Whatever happens, I shall never forget the support and community I have experienced through these past two years. It was a surprise and a blessing. It was the only way I have survived this process and it is such an important part of the story.
Thank You.

Friday, August 6, 2010

UPDATE>>>>>I'm a freakin' whale

DR K called and she booked me in for Friday @ 2pm. Yipeeeeeeee. only one more week to go.

huge, huge, huge, and the only place I am comfy is my bed. I guess that's what the home stretch with twins is!!

I have a ton of PIO needles and three vials of PIO going to whomever wants them. I have had two injections of PIO per week throughout the pregnancy coz it helps with placenta function. Well, happily, the sharps box is sealed and sent back to the service, the needles are packed up and there will be no more crime scene on Sunday nights as I spurt blood all over the place.

Let me know if you want the PIO and needles and how to get them to you. May you enjoy them as much as I did!!!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Any day now...

Had a sono today and they weigh 12.1 pounds. She is 6.6 and he's the rest. They look squished but healthy. Huge sigh of relief! He has grown enough to be back in the 50% and she is breaking all records with a showing in the 60's.

Turns out I am the problem. My platelet count went from 125 to 111 last week. The difference in reading has my doctor concerned. She did another blood draw today and if we are 100 or under I have to go in for a C-Section "immediately" . Given that my platelet count has been going in the downward direction since the beginning of my pregnancy it looks like next week is the week. Right?
The blood draw women didn't think there was a rush on the testing so it can't be a total emergency.

Just to confuse me, and therefore you, the Dr then said if the platelet count is stable, or goes up, then we will wait, maybe even to the 20th. Oh OK then. So it's an emergency unless it isn't and then its another two freakin' weeks. Argghhghgh.

I feel anxious, even tho everything is ready. Bags are packed, blood thing is registered, Dh has time off arranged, night nurse is booked. I know DH will freak about this being up in the air, he is so not good with not knowing. Hell, he isn't good with knowing but at least he won't ask me 1000 times what's happening. Maybe I just don't say anything till the blood draw comes back. What do you think?

On a positive note -I ordered some really lovely cotton clothing from JJi.ll and it arrived this morning - so I will have comfy clothing for my week in the hospital.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


Non Stress Test results were great. It was a bit of a weird visit tho.

There are two new nurses. One is so totally useless that the Head Nurse ( who I adore) had to apologise to me even tho I hadn't complained. This is why.
Useless nurse asked where the babies were - so I said, last time they were breach, so here and here, pointing at my orb of a belly. She put the first round thing on my belly but we heard nothing. She sits there. Then moves it to the left.

"Mmnn" she mumbles

Yes, she actually made the 'oh dear' sound

In swoops Head Nurse and orders her out. Head nurse feels around my belly and says "Looks like they have moved head down I think, yes, here we go. I am so sorry about that, can you sense the frustration??" Two heartbeats, healthy and happy.

In walks BP nurse.

" Ohhh your BP is really high, 130/88" she growls (think of the Simpson sisters... yeah that's right)
"Try the big cuff" says I,
" Look at that - 120 /80"

Yeah, oh look at that, you moron.

This is one of the top hospitals in the US. I just hope the L&D/Maternity ward is staffed by better nurses.

But who cares - my monkeys sounded great, no contractions and my BP is normal. And here we are ... in the home stretch. 10 days from today. Holy Crapola!!!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

All signed up ...

...with the CBB folks. Amazing how quickly I can sink wads of cash when it comes to these babies. Here's how it works - you pay a ton of cash and they overnight the packets to you. When I go to the hospital I hand it over and then afterwards, we hand it to the courier and that is it. Easy.

Today I had wonderful plans. I was going to go to the movies, swimming, maybe a walk. I did nothing. I woke up tired again. Totally, knackered. I did the paperwork and manage a lunch with hubbie. Yet, I am drained. I can barely move. Is it a sign? Am I going to go into labor like ... today?

Can you sense the anxiety??

What signs did you have?

Monday, August 2, 2010


Thanks to everyone that responded. I have decided to do it. We'll go with a private service since we used a donor and pray we will never need it. The arguments that were most persuasive to me were that the science is changing and developing every day so you never know what it might be used for in the future.

So that is tomorrow's job. I also have to fill out the paper work for the nanny payment which run at nearly 40 pages!! Should be a fun day.

I went swimming today. Oh it was so glorious. I don't think I'm supposed to be exercising but I had to do something. My legs and feet were so swollen. And the blissful floating was great. Getting out was a little mind blowing. The weight of the babies feels 10X worse! After my little swim I walked over to the English fish and chip shop and indulged in a 'fish supper' (fish and chips and peas). By the time I got home I was almost asleep on my feet. I slept for 2 hours. What a great day.
I think I shall swim tomorrow too. And maybe go to a movie. Might as well make the most of the free time I have. I can do the paperwork in the afternoon. Yeah right!!